True Love Way
by MaryElizabeth23
Summary: A Teambella23 fic re-post: Moving Trucks and sunglasses. Rollerblades and heart shaped potatoes. M&M's for smiles and notes across lawns. "Sometimes I'm just sad," and "I love you hard." A story about first love and the struggle to keep it sane.
1. Chapter 1

**A journey through love beginning at age ten**

"_Pull in and a pulling weight, it's a hard part but the true love way__**" — Kings of Leon, True Love Way**_

**Chapter one**

**EPOV**

**September 1995**

"Who is she?"

"I don't know."

"Is she going to be at school tomorrow?"

"I don't know."

"Is she our age?"

"I don't know."

"That's Bella Swan, twerps. The new Police Chief and his family moved in next door. Mom said she's your age, Edward." Alice, my older sister, says. "Maybe she can be your girly-friend." She messes with my hair as she passes by.

Jasper, Emmett, and I were riding our bikes like we do every day. Doing awesome flips and building jumps in the forest across the street from our houses when the moving truck pulled in next door. We got curious.

"Where are you going?" I yell out to my sister, who's backing out of the driveway in her purple beetle.

"Out," she says with her head sticking out the small window.

Jasper and Emmett back me up. "Girls are gross."

"Come on. Let's go play before we have to go inside." Jasper trades his bike for his skateboard, taking off down the road in the opposite direction from the new girl's house.

"Dude, it's just a girl … stop looking at her like that. It's strange," Emmett says. "Wait, you like her … you do. I can tell. Edward has it sweet for the new girl."

I swat him in the chest. "I do not."

"What do you think she's listening to?" he asks.

"I don't know." But I wish I did.

"Come on. We ride." Emmett pedals after Jasper.

The sun is going down, and it's hot out. Bella's dad is sweating, and her mom's face is red. Bella doesn't show any sign of discomfort, but her forehead is shiny. She wears a pair of ripped up, cut-off jean shorts and a faded black t-shirt with a design I can't make out. Her feet are in a pair of worn green Converse, and her hair is a dark wavy brown. She has on a pair of circle sunglasses that are the color of her shoes, and a portable CD player hanging off her hip. She has a box in her hands.

She blows the biggest bubblegum bubble I've ever seen.

Then she looks at me.

Bella walks from the moving truck to her front porch; bubble at her lips, green glasses reflecting in the setting sun. Her mom calls her name, but Bella ignores her, placing the box labeled _B__ella's room_ on the steps for her father to take.

She walks back to the truck, bringing the gum back into her mouth. Answering her mom, she doesn't remove her eyes from me.

I feel weird, like my heart feels a little odd.

Only blinking, sitting on my bike, and leaning onto my handle bars, the rotation continues: Bella walks boxes back and forth, blowing bubbles, and staring.

"What are you looking at?" her dad asks with his hand over his eyes to block the sun; he spots me.

"No one, Dad," Bella answers, blowing another bubble.

He looks a little longer, menacing me with his eyes. She makes him go away. "Don't embarrass me, Dad," she says. "You're so embarrassing, Dad," Bella complains.

The new Chief of Police laughs as he walks away. Bella turns back around toward me, blowing bubbles and waving.

I sit up straight. My heart is beating too, too fast. So, so fast I might ask my dad to check it out later.

Afraid of the girl and of the way she makes me feel, I turn and chase after Jasper and Emmett.

Girls are strange. Even pretty ones who can make the most awesome bubbles I've ever seen.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**Edward**

**September 1995**

Alice, with a lollipop in mouth and little braids littered in her hair, pops her head in my bedroom. "I can drop you off. It's on my way."

"You're not even supposed to be driving. You're only fifteen," I say, grabbing my new backpack off the edge of my bed. Praying … _oh boy_, am I hoping that Alice didn't see me.

Her entire body steps into my room. "Hmm…"

"What, Al? Leave me alone. I'm riding bikes with Em and Jazz." I blush. _Man_, am I blushing.

"I suppose with the Chief of Police living next door I should wait until I get a license, but it's raining … were you looking out your window?"

"No."

Alice walks past me, smiling, smelling like grape. Her lips are a faint purple, and her finger nails are each painted a different color. "You should ask Bella if she wants to ride bikes with you to school."

"No."

"That's a shame. She's so very, very pretty, Edward."

I know. I've seen. Our bedroom windows share a lawn of grass between. I watch her, and sometimes I see her. She's been here three days and her walls are littered with different posters. I've seen her dance. She sucks.

Alice walks by, smelling like that weird herb she smokes. "Enjoy the sixth grade, squirt. I love you."

"Herbs," she promised when I asked the first time I smelled it. "If mom and dad ever ask its only herbal incense, okay," she insisted. I believed her.

"I hope you hate the tenth," I shout as she goes.

.

.

.

"Edward, raise your hand."

I do. I raise it, but it shakes.

_Can__ she see me quiver and quake?_

"You can take a seat next to Edward, Isabella." Mrs. Alabaster tells points in my direction. "Everyone, this is Isabella. She's new. Be kind."

She spots my lifted rickety hand. A smile as big as the sun lifts on her rosy lips. She's wearing pink circle glasses today, with a peace sign drawn on her right cheek. Her clothes look a lot like the ones she wore the day she moved in. Jasper and Emmett make kissing sounds behind us.

"Hi," she says before sitting.

I drop my hand, shove my desk back, and smash Emmett's fingers. This makes Rosalie Hale giggle.

"My name is Bella, and I live next door to you. I'm ten, but my birthday is on September, thirteenth. In ten days I'll be eleven. That makes me a Virgo."

Emmett and Jasper are hushed, and if I listened very carefully, I can hear my own heart beating. She spoke to me and it was lovely.

"My name is Edward. My birthday is September, thirteenth, too."

Bella smiles, chewing a piece of gum. "You know what that means, right, Edward?"

I shake my head. Counting her braids—braided hair like my herb smoking sister.

"It means we can have a double birthday party. Me and you."

"Edward, Isabella … time to keep it down." Mrs. Alabaster announces to the entire class earning us ooohhh's and ahhhhhh's, strange looks and whispers.

Sometime later, after practicing our spelling, I nudge Bella with my elbow. "Do you have a bike?"

She shakes her head.

Sometime later, after we've practiced our math, she nudges my arm. "But I have rollerblades."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**Edward**

**June 1996**

"Aww, come on. We're always waiting on the girl. Let's ditch her," Jasper moans, rolling down the street into the sunset on his skateboard.

Bella acts as if she didn't hear him; she's used to it. Instead she offers me a lick of her banana flavored popsicle. I decline, moving my bike with my feet while Bella rolls on her blades. Going back and forth from school to home takes us a little longer with Bella. Blades don't go as quick as bikes and boards do, but I wait.

Today we went to the park after school. It was our last day of the sixth grade, and now we're officially middle schoolers.

"Have some patience, Jasper Boy. Patience is a virtue," Bella teases him.

"Blah, Blah, Blah," he teases back. He steps onto the street to push himself forward.

"Hey, no hands." Emmett zooms by with Rosalie Hale on his handle bars. Her blonde hair swats him in the face. He doesn't care, though. Emmett is sweet on Rosalie Hale.

"Don't tell him I told, but he is," I whisper to my friend.

"Oh, I know, Edward. It's written all over his face. Love is splattered all over him," Bella tells me, licking her popsicle.

Today her circle sunglasses are magenta. I've been in her room; she has an entire drawer full of them, all different sizes and colors. Her mom calls her a gypsy because Bella wants to be a hippie when she grows up, like Janis Joplin. My dad tries to tell me no one can just be a hippie when they grow up, but I know he's wrong.

I nod in agreement with Bella—Emmett's got it bad.

Listening to the sound of her blades slowly hitting the pavement, she speaks over the sound of plastic colliding with pavement, "You're my best friend, Edward," and "I'm so lucky to have you."

I never ever get tired of hearing it—ever. I feel the same. I don't tell her as often, but I do, and she loves it.

When we get to her house, Charlie is waiting on the porch like always. His eyes are menacing as they usually are.

"Will you be by the window tonight? I'll be waiting. Will you be up?" Bella asks before stepping up to her porch.

I tell her yes, she kisses my cheek, and her dad steps forward. "Boy, you better be watching after my girl."

"I am, Chief Swan," I tell him in running. I park my bike in the lawn before bolting into the house and upstairs to my room.

Inside of my house, Mom's yelling at Alice about herb. I ignore the fight and slam my bedroom door shut. After sticking a chair under the door handle, I pull the string on the blinds. Bella's already there.

_Hi, _her sheet of white paper with black marker says.

I wave before opening my window, and Bella does the same. "Hi," I say out loud.

She changed her glasses from magenta to teal.

"Hi," she says back.

Yep, I got it bad. Like Emmett for Rosalie, I got it very, very bad.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**Bella**

**July 1996**

I groan in aggravation, frustration multiplied by one thousand.

Edward Cullen frustrates me like no other.

"Come sit by me, sweet girl." Alice pats the spot next to her on the sofa. All of the boys are playing Nintendo sixty-four. "Tell me what's wrong. Forget he's my brother. I see those frustrated eyes under those yellow sunglasses; it's him who is making you oh, so mad."

I laugh. Alice must be smoking the herb. She's my idol, really. A total free spirit.

I sigh. "He's ignoring me again. He has been all summer. I'm tired of hanging out with Emmett and Jasper. They smell like sweat and puppies."

"I heard that," Jasper says, moving the controller cord like it will help.

No one can beat Edward at Street Fighter II. Carlisle bought him a magazine with all the cheat codes. He's a cheater, but they don't know.

Alice takes my sunglasses off my face and puts them on hers. She's smiling, and I notice the slight gap she has between her front two teeth. It's cute. Very Janis or Madonna like, depending on how she dresses.

"Boys will be boys, Bella." She puts her feet in my lap and hands me a bottle of violet nail polish. "The secret is that you have to ignore him back."

Edward eyes me. I see him … Alice sees him.

"Mind your own business, Edward. This is girl talk." Alice places my feet in her lap. I'm a little embarrassed because Edward and I woke up early and went hiking through the woods. Only where my mom could see me, though, because we're not allowed to go far. We chose to pretend she wasn't watching, but my feet got a little dirty.

Alice doesn't seem to notice. She flips on the radio. Lynard Skynard's Free Bird drowns out the noises the fighters make on the TV. She smokes some more herb, and I think I feel a little woozy.

"You need girlfriends. Who are your friends other than those smelly, smelly rude boys?"

I shrug, completely understanding.

.

.

.

I can feel him staring at me. I can sense it through the grass yard that separates our houses, and though my window. Those violent green eyes—oddly green. My dad says he's a freak. He says his sister is a pot smoking hippie, and that his dad is an overachieving doctor. He bets Edward's mom, Esme, is some kind of undercover pill popper.

Of course he didn't say this to me; I overheard him saying it to my mom. He's just jealous. "I don't want you over there without parental supervision, Bella," he told me. "I'm serious, Bella. Tell me you'll never smoke reefer,"

_Janis Joplin smoked reefer._

Even though I can feel Edward looking at me through the window and blinds, I'm ignoring him like Alice advised me to. I'm trying on the new batch of sunglasses Renee got me from the gas station. These aren't all circles, but stars and squares. Time to change it up a bit.

_Maybe he'll notice._

Maybe not.

Twelve pairs of glasses later, my dad knocks on the door saying the freak is here. "What is he doing here, and doesn't he have any respect for bedtimes?"

I leave the pink star glasses on. "It's only six, Dad."

He grumbles that I have five minutes. That I'm only eleven, and I don't need boys coming to the door with puppy dog eyes and bad intentions.

I take my time to get to the door. I following directions to a T, but when I get there, I feel horrible. I'm such a bad, bad friend.

At my door stands Edward Cullen with a white sheet of paper that says, _I'M SORRY_, and on the side, all scrunched up and misspelled, _4 EGNORING U._


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

**Bella**

**November 1996**

Sweating, worried … panic.

"Do not panic, Bella. Don't do it. This is okay," I whisper to myself. My ankles are wide, and my knees are pressed together; my underwear are around my calves.

Looking around the bathroom stall, I pull out tons and tons of toilet paper from the roll. Then I wrap that toilet paper around my blood soaked underwear. I bite my lip so hard that it might need to be wrapped in paper, too.

Tears form in my eyes, ready to spill. "Crap."

I got blood on my jeans, and if I leave this bathroom, everyone in school will see. I'll get laughed at—humiliated.

"Think, think, think, think, Bella." I hit my forehead with the palm of my hand over and over. "You can't hide behind your sunglasses this time," I mumble, standing up to my feet.

Toilet paper feels weird between my legs.

My hand is on the lock and I'm about to leave the stall, but some girls walk into the bathroom. I sit back down and lift my legs onto the toilet seat. Hugging them to my chest, I listen while they talk. These girls are eighth graders. Between the cracks, I watch them flip their hair and put shiny stuff on their lips. If they notice me in here, my life will be over.

My ears ring—such a funny correlation, but it's true. In stressful situations my ears ring.

I'm quiet—oh so silent—until the girls leave. It's only after they're gone and their voices are down the hall that I let my foot touch the ground. Unlocking the door, I look around, stepping out from the safety of the bathroom stall.

After I wash my hand, I turn and try to look at my butt in the mirror. I can't, so I stand on the toilet seat. Even through the blue lenses of my glasses I can see the red mark on my jeans. I don't even have a sweater to cover myself up with. Edward told me to wear one.

"Don't be dumb," he told me before we left for school this morning, but I wasn't cold.

Edward was.

Allowing a few tears to fall, I bite my nails until they ache. I'm think, think, thinking again: Where is Edward's class? What block are we in? How much time have I spent in the bathroom?

Hiding my bloody jeans with my binder, I tip toe down the hall quickly until I'm standing in front of Edward's art class. Looking through the small square window, Emmett sees me first. Edward looks and waves. I call him over, and give him the _I need you really, really bad _look.

He comes. I cry. He hugs. And together we leave without a word to anyone. He understands and tells me to remember that he lives in a house with two girls. That it's okay; it happens …

We walk in the rain with Edward's sweater tied around my waist and his arm around my shoulders. We sing old eighties rock songs and whisper dirty little secrets about people at school until we reach his home. My best friend takes me upstairs into his empty house, and when we reach his mother's bathroom, he hands me a box of ... something.

"Tampons." Edward shrugs. He's blushing like crazy—blushing like a cherry.

"How do you use them?" I ask, because I'm totally stumped.

This is when Edward leaves the room. "I'll be out here," he tells me while he makes a quick exit.

"But Edward, I don't know what to do." I chase him. "And I need a change of clothes," I admit shamefully.

This is where I learn Edward Cullen's weakness: Edward doesn't like shame.

He gives me a dirty look—a filthy look.

"Don't ever be ashamed, Bella—never ever, ever." He grabs the tampon box. "I'll go into the bathroom with you. I won't look. I swear to you, I won't look."

This is also the day Edward Cullen stands in the bathroom corner while he reads tampon directions to me.

He never looks, just like he said he wouldn't.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

**Edward**

**September 1997**

Mike Newton doesn't even take a breath. "So, you're best friends with Bella, right? She's a little strange, right? A little different. A little peculiar. Does she talk to you? She's never says a word to me. It's been like two years since she moved here and she doesn't talk to me. I offered her a cookie once; she blew a bubble in my face. So, is she your friend or not?"

It's September, thirteenth—our birthday.

I don't know why, but Charlie made Bella ride to school with him today. I'm waiting for her at parent drop off. Jasper and Emmett were happy because we got to school at a quicker pace. We didn't have to wait for her to go slowly on her rollerblades. She rolls at her own pace—a pace much too slow for boys.

Not for me, though. Bella's my best friend, so I wait … but not today.

"She's not strange," I say. Is she?

"Oh yes, she is. Her glasses are weird, and she wears them every day. People think she's a little unordinary."

"I like her glasses," I counter, smiling when the cruiser drives up. Chief Swan gives me his deadly "Boy" stare.

He gets out of the car before Bella does. He's standing at the driver door; one foot still in the cop car and one hand on the roof. "Hey, boy. Get over here now, boy."

Without a _see ya later_ to Mike Newton, I run over. Bella offers a small wave from inside the car. Her backpack is at her chest, and her hair is down and curly. She has huge orange glasses on today.

"Morning, Chief Swan."

"Listen here, boy, and listen good." His mustache moves as he speaks. "Make my daughter smile today, got it? Do you hear me? Am I making myself clear, boy?"

I nod.

"You make her smile, and you count those smiles. At the end of the day, I want a number. I want a large number of smiles. For every smile, I'll give you one of these." The Chief holds up a snack-sized peanut M&M's.

I nod. "But what if I lose count?"

He shakes his head. "No, not an option. Losing count of precious birthday smiles is not a part of protocol. Count those smiles, boy."

I look into the car and smile at Bella. "Yes, sir."

Chief Swan ogles down at me. My eyebrow arches.

"It's your birthday too, boy?" he asks.

"Yes, sir. Bella and I share a birthday."

He nods. Bella gets out of the car. I meet her there. She smiles, but it's slight. I think she is feeling blue. I can see her mood is less than birthday great.

"Hi, Edward," she mumbles.

"Hi, Bella. Are you crying? Did someone forget your birthday?"

She shakes her head.

"I got you a present." Digging into my pocket, I pull out her presents and drop them into her hand.

They are a little warm, a little linty, but they're still sparkly—like her glasses.

Her face lights up. "What are they?"

"Gems. I got them from the museum we went to last weekend. They reminded me of your glasses." I stick my hands back into my pocket; there's one more to give. It's stuck to a piece of butterscotch candy I was eating earlier. I spit on it, clean it off, and give her the last green gem.

"These are very pretty. The very best present I ever got." Her face saddens. "But I didn't get you anything."

"That's okay."

"No, it's not … here, have these." She takes off her orange circle sunglasses and hands them to me.

Bella's uncomfortable without her glasses on, and I can see she was crying, but I accept them happily.

"Happy Birthday, boy."

I forgot the Chief was even standing there.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

**Edward**

**January 1998**

I stand at the door with Emmett and Jasper grunting and groaning behind me. We're going to be late for school.

I don't care.

When it opens, I say, "Good morning, Mrs. Swan. Is Bella awake?"

Mrs. Swan looks at me with cautious eyes, but smiles to disguise it right away. "I tried waking her up, but I think she's sick. I'm not sure if Bella will be making it to school today, Edward."

My face falls all the way to the porch. I hate it when Bella doesn't come to school. Jasper and Emmett pull and tug on my shirt, telling me we gotta go—we're going to be late. We can't be late because we'll get detention!

"How about you try. Go up there and see if you can wake her. I bet you can ... she's always so happy to see you," Mrs. Swan says.

My face lifts all the way back to normal. "Okay."

Jasper and Emmett tell me they're out of here. They can't wait because girls take way too long to get dressed. They each have mothers who spend all day getting ready, so they know if they wait for Bella, they'll be late for school.

I tell them to go ahead before stepping into the Swan home.

Emmett makes kissing sounds at me.

I take the steps to her bedroom; she's on the right past the bathroom. I'm never allowed in her room. There have been a few times Mrs. Swan allowed the rule to slip when the chief wasn't around, but the door had to stay open. If the chief knew, he would arrest me.

He said, "Boy, if you want a quick trip to jail, you'll go into my daughter's room. If you enjoy your free will, you'll stay out. Got it, boy?"

I'm risking prison time, but I hate it when she doesn't come to school.

Mrs. Swan encourages me to hurry. I open her door and see the form of Bella's body under her blankets in the dark room.

"Bella," I whisper.

I open up her blinds just enough to let a little gray light in. She's sound asleep, so I shake her. Shake her softly, then harder and harder.

"Bella, you have to get up. Come on."

Her eyes open. She smiles and starts to point to where her clothes are: jeans on the computer desk, a sweater in the hamper, and her turquoise heart sunglasses are in the pocket of the jacket she wore yesterday. Socks in the drawer, and shoes down the hall in the bathroom.

"Grab my brush while you're in there," she says while crawling out of bed.

So while she dresses, I brush her hair, and I don't look. I never look, just like I said I wouldn't.

Together we stomp, stomp, stomp down the stairs. We say goodbye to Mrs. Swan and fly out the door. Bella has that confused look on her face. She usually rollerblades to school, but we don't have time.

"Jump on my handle bars, Bella. We have to ride fast."

I pedal fast—really fast. I'm sweating, but Bella is laughing loudly. Her arms are extended out at her sides, and her head is leaned back. She loves the damp air on her face. My best friend's hair is blowing in my face, but I don't care. It smells good.

Making it fun, I swerve my bike to the far right and to the far left. Bella screams, but laughs louder.

"Faster, Edward. Go faster!" she yells.

I try—_man_, do I try. Hearing her laugh does something odd to my insides. Bella's laughs causes them to twist and turn and burn. She looks down at me, and I look up at her. When she smiles, so do I.

I pedal into school. Bella holds on when we go over the speed bumps. We're damp-air-wet, but we're not late. Together we run to class, and when we get there, Bella writes me a small, private note.

_You make me so happy._


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

**Bella**

**March 1998**

His note says, _CAN YOU USE THE PHONE?_

I knew I felt him at the window; I always feel him. It's past ten on a school night, and I'm supposed to be sleeping, but I can't. I drink warm milk before bed, but it doesn't work. Most nights I just lie here thinking—mainly about Edward.

_I CAN'T, _I write him back, pressing my paper to the window.

He draws a sad face and shows it to me. This makes me laugh. Edward Cullen's my best friend—my only friend. Jasper and Emmett are nice to me sometimes, but never like Edward. He's getting so tall. Everyone notices. Even my dad even said so.

"Freak boy next door is getting big," he said before adding, "I can still take him on."

Eighth grade is almost over; we'll be going to Forks High School next year. I'm nervous, but not. I have Edward, and he keeps me safe. Besides, Alice smoked too much herb and got held back. She'll be a super senior while we're freshmen. Alice is kind to me, too.

Edward and I stare at each other through the window for a long while more. I yawn despite not being even a little tired.

He writes, _TIRED?_

_NO, _I write back. So we stare longer.

I study the way his hair lays: disobedient and boisterous. His mom threatens to cut it off all the time, but she never does. No way. Cutting his hair would easily classify as child abuse. It's too pretty to cut—a strong feature amongst great features. Like his nose—such a perfect nose. I think mine is a little big, but to have a nose like Edward's would nice. His eyes are green, and mine are brown. Everyone has brown eyes, but not everyone has green eyes. Especially Edward green. And the way he looks at me with those eyes is frightening. Like he is looking through me—so determined, so persistent—always trying to make me smile.

_I write,__ ARE YOU?_

_A LITTLE, _he writes back.

It starts to rain, distorting my view, but I don't look away. No way. I could never look away from Edward. He makes me too happy, and not much makes me happy anymore. As we get older, it seems harder and harder to make me smile. I've always been a little different—a little odd and a little strange. My parents thought it was cute as I was growing up, but now it's a little disturbing.

I Sigh.

_GO 2 SLP,_ I write.

_NO, _he writes back.

Lately Edward's been trying to stay up with me. He'll eventually fall asleep, and I'll watch him all night long. Maybe I'll make him a mixed tape tonight; he reminds me of such great songs. Whenever I'm not feeling right, I think of Edward and great songs. He's a soundtrack of Elton John and Jimi Hendrix, but edgy like the DOORS with a little Free Bird—a little Simple Man.

_EM KISSES ROSE, _he writes.

_THAT'S GROSS, _I write back.

Tomorrow will be a repeat of the last few weeks. He'll wake me up and ride me to school on his bars. I'll struggle to stay awake in class. Edward will nudge me until my eyes open. He'll ask me if I'm okay, and he'll tell me I need more sleep. Edward will threaten not to stay awake at the window with me anymore if I keep it up. I'll smile and nod.

It's all I can really do when I'm that tired, knowing full well he's lying. Edward will stay awake with me every night, because that's what he does.

He does it because he's my best friend—my only friend … and he's fallen asleep like he does every night.

_I LOVE YOUR SLEEP_, I write, knowing he won't ever see it.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

**Edward**

**July 1998**

"Are you guys ready for high school?" my sister asks. We're behind our houses in the forest. It's the Fourth of July. Alice has a sparkler in her hands and herb hanging from her lips.

Bella and I nod. "Yes, we're ready," she answers.

Bella draws hearts and stars in the air with her sparkling firework.

"I mean, I'll try to watch over you guys and stuff, but I have my own things going on, you know." Smoke floats in the around us. My sister lights another sparkler with her joint.

She confessed the truth about the weed. Alice told me since I was thirteen—almost fourteen—I was old enough to be honest with.

"But you'll have each other, and that's all you really need. Stick with each other and don't let anyone in. Don't let anyone break this thing you too have up. At the end of the day, there's only the other, got it?"

Spelling her name with sparkles, Alice continues. "High school is different. There more people, and I heard that the high school on the reservation was closed. Now all of those big, big rez boys will be there, too."

Bella giggles. The light from the sparklers reflects on her red circle glasses. It's night, but she always wears them.

"I heard those big, big boys were trouble … stay away from them, do you hear me?"

We nod. I light Bella another sparkler.

"Bella, you better not be out there with that boy!" The Chief yells from the back door of his home. "Boy, you better not be getting fresh with my daughter."

This makes Alice laugh.

"Shoot. I gotta go!" Bella hands me her sparkler and kisses me on my cheek before running off to her father.

I blush—then all of the blood drains from my face.

Bella Swan just kissed me.

My hand touches my cheek. Alice starts to laugh harder.

"Edward, listen to me, my brother. If you don't ever listen to anything I ever say, listen to this: there is something different about that girl, something that needs to be handled with care. Never hurt her, Edward. She isn't the type of girl who can be hurt."

I nod with my hand still on my cheek.

After Alice's joint is all smoked up, we go back to the block party just in time for the fireworks. Bella's sitting on her front lawn with her knees up and her arms around her legs. I sit beside her. She smiles. The first of the fireworks go off. They aren't anything big, just a pack Chief Swan bought from Seattle. They light up Bella's sunglasses, though, so I like them much more than the ones that set off at the park.

My parents stand on our lawn, reprimanding my sister about smelling like herb. "We live next door to the Chief of Police, Alice," and "Does that mean nothing to you, Alice?" and "Have you no respect, Alice?"

Alice only smiles while winking at me and Bella.

There are no words shared between us while we watch the fireworks, but I'm aware of how close she is. I notice how her hand has fallen from her legs, and how it sits palm up on the grass. I clear my throat, unsure of what to do next, but knowing I want to do _something_.

I slowly drop my hand beside hers. She moves a little closer. I move a little closer. We don't look at each other—_no way_. I peek at her hand, though. Her fingers twitch, and her palms look so soft.

As the fireworks go off, my hand gets closer to hers until they are touching—side by side. I swallow. Breathing is a little hard. Breathing is a little shallow. Like when I ride my bike too hard and too fast.

_Like that._

I finally just do it—I grab her hand. I mix and tangle and hold my fingers with hers. She holds on tight, and then breathing is impossible. My heart is beating way, way too fast.

She doesn't move, and I don't move. Our hands are sweating, and we're stiff as boards. After a while, we calm down, but we don't look at each other. I hold her hand all night, even after the fireworks have ended. I can't imagine ever letting go.

Not even when Chief Swan sees us and gets all red.

_Nope, not even then._


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

**Edward**

**September 1998**

The first week of high school has been full of change and reorganization.

For instance, last weekend my dad stuck me in his office and interrogated me.

The conversation went a lot like this:

"You're turning fourteen soon, son."

"Yeah, Dad. Bella and me both."

He nodded a little, looking all doctor like. "Have you noticed any differences in your body lately, son?"

Sure I had. There's hair in weird spots and sweat pouring from funny places, like my armpits. Bella complains when I sweat too much. She says I don't smell like puppies anymore, but more like a nasty man—a nasty man who needs to go into the house right this second and wash his body. She asked me what the heck was going on. I only shrugged.

"Sure, Dad"

"But do you feeeeel different, son?"

I had no clue what he meant.

"Do you feeeeel a certain ways towards girls?"

I still had no clue what he meant.

"Do you feeeeel funny whenever you see Bella? Do you notice that she's changing, too?"

Bella and I hold hands a lot. Whenever we can, really. Is her body changing? I dunno. She looks the same to me.

"You're almost fourteen, son. It's time we have The Talk."

"But we are talking, Dad."

"Talk about sex, son."

That's where I ended the conversation. I spent that night at the window with Bella, but I didn't tell her about the exchange I had with my dad. I made it a point to look at her body the next morning. Not while I was brushing her hair or when she was getting dressed, but when we were at school.

She looked the same to me; Bella is my Bella.

It wasn't until today that I really notice something is strange. Something is ... _off_. And it's not because I'm looking for any kind of off-setting. This _change_ is brought to my attention by another—another who has no business looking for change in my Bella.

"Bella sure did develop over the summer, Edward."

I look over where Bella sits in our Biology class. She has her yellow circles glasses on today. Mr. Banner always tries to get her to take them off, but she never does. Unfortunately, she's lab partners with Jasper, and I'm lab partners with Mike Newtown.

"What do you mean?" I ask, bothered.

"Her boobs, dude. She has boobs," he says.

I don't think; I act ... elbowing Mike Newton in the mouth without a second thought as to why. The entire room gasps. Bella stands up with her hand over her mouth, and I see them.

Boobs!

This only makes me angrier. So livid, I scoot my chair back and kick Mike Newton while he holds his bloody nose. I kick him until Mr. Banner pulls me away and shouts that I need to go straight to the Principal's office.

"Straight there and nowhere else!" he demands.

Bella tells me she's calling her dad and everything will be okay.

.

.

I sit in the office, thinking about Bella. How could I miss such a development? Now that I know they're there, I can't stop thinking about them.

_Chief Swan is going to kill me_.

"What happened here, boy?" Bella stands behind her father. Mike Newton is behind her holding a towel to his nose.

I'm so embarrassed. "He was saying mean things about Bella."

His eyebrow arches, and he subtly shows me a fun sized peanut M & M's. "What did he say, boy?"

I blush. Bella's trying to look past her dad. "I can't tell you."

"There nothing wrong with defending a girls honor, boy."

I shift in my seat. He's going to be so mad.

"Bellahasboobs," I blurt.

"Huh? Speak clearly, boy. I can't hear you."

"Bella has Boobs!" I yell.

_I'm so dead_.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

**Bella**

**October 1998**

Edward is so polite and so attentive, but today it's just not enough. "Bella, wake up. I have all of your clothes ready. I'll brush your hair carefully."

I'm lacking the energy and motivation to get up and out of bed. I stayed up all night like I normally do, but today my chest is heavy, and I am sad. So, so sad. Too sad to go to school with Edward.

"Tell me what's wrong. I don't know what to do." He sounds miserable, but it's not my kind of blue. Not the bone crushing, suffocating sad … a sadness that has been building in me for a long time now.

A sorrow I can't overcome at this moment.

"Why are you crying? I didn't mean to make you cry. Is it because you don't have your glasses on? Which ones? Purple, pink, green?"

I shrug, crying some more.

"Okay." His hands are in his hair, looking around my room. "I'll chose."

Edward lifts the blanket, but only a little. Only enough to expose my face and slip the glasses on. "I like these green ones because they're the ones you wore the first day I ever saw you, and that was a special day for me. Don't tell Jasper and Emmett. They'll make fun of me because of it. Even though I should make fun of Emmett for kissing Rosalie Hale all over school."

The green helps. It makes the room darker, and that's what I want.

"It's been three days, Bella," he whispers.

After Edward leaves, I sleep; it's all I can do. My mom comes in and out of my room and speaks to me, but I don't speak back. She asks me questions as she talks to the doctor on the phone, I don't answer. I only want to sleep.

Later that night, my dad comes home. He and Mom argue over my unhappiness. It makes me feel worse—guilty.

"What's wrong with her, Renee? You're with her all day, you have to know something, Renee. What do you mean all she does is sleep? Make her get up. You're the parent, she's the kid. Is it that freak boy next door? Did he break up with her, Renee? Of course he's her boyfriend!"

He doesn't understand, but how can he if I don't? Mom made me a doctor's appointment. Hopefully this is curable.

"This isn't like the sunglasses, Charlie. This isn't a little anxiety, Charlie. This isn't a little girl who likes to be invisible, Charlie. This is real, and this is serious. I'm scared. Really fucking scared, Charlie."

I'm scared, and I'm sad … so, so sad.

Once the sun goes down, I get out of bed. I'm not hungry, but my mom's left a muffin next to my bed. Opening my drawer, I see my favorite gems sparkle. They make me want to smile, but I can't. Physically can't, and this makes me sad all over again. My joints hurt and eyes burn. I feel worthless and less than. My hair is dirty, and my mouth taste like yuck.

Opening the door quietly, I come out of my room for the first time today. My parents are down stairs watching TV; they don't hear me. I sneak into the bathroom, clean up a little, and head back to my room before Mom and Dad catch on.

My feet drag and a full breath is hard to come by. Tears flow from my eyes for no reason at all. Nothing makes it better. In fact, all that happens when I lift my blinds and see that my beautiful best friend is there looking back at me, is crying—more and more crying—because I am so, so sad.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

**Edward**

**December 1998**

"Jasper, has anyone ever told you how perfect your ears are?"

Bella and I share a curious look before we start to laugh out loud. Her forehead falls against my shoulder—we hold hands, because that's what we do.

Jasper blushes before he shakes his head.

"How old are you now, Jasper?" My sister scoots closer; Jasper stiffens.

"Umm … fourteen, like Edward and Bella," he answers.

We're in my sister's room. It's full of smoke, and we're all feeling a little funny. My parents went out to dinner with Jasper's parents, and they invited Bella's parents. Alice is watching over us, kind of. I argued that I'm fourteen and I don't need a sitter anymore, but Chief Swan tossed me the 'Boy' look and I shut up real quick. When I realized Bella would be spending most of the night over at my house, I really shut up.

"Fourteen? So we're, like, only five years apart." Her face is so close to his cheek. Jasper looks terrified. "Have you ever been kissed, Jasper?"

This is where Alice loses her cool and laughs smoke in Jasper's face.

He swipes the smoke away before he starts to laugh. Bella scoots closer ... a little bit closer until our legs are touching. I look through her aqua square glasses into her eyes. She runs her other hand—the one I'm not holding—through my hair, and it feels so, so good.

My Dad keeps talking to me about body changes, urges, and impulses. Lately, I've been noticing it all. But it's different than when Bella grew boobs. Now I notice the way she bites onto her bottom lip or the way she laughs. Sometimes her pants hang low or her shirt rises high. I like her neck. I like her eyelashes. Her teeth aren't perfect, but I like those, too.

She makes my body do funny, funny things. Things that my dad said are natural. Things that my dad said are okay to take care of myself.

"Don't be ashamed," he said. "It's a part of becoming a man. All men do it, son," he said.

I think of Bella when I do those things … and it feels great. The best feeling in the word after holding Bella's hand or riding her on my handle bars.

"Can I try, Alice?" Bella asks after looking away from me.

Alice searches the girl next door's eyes for a second before handing the herb over. I watch and become consumed as Bella touches her lips with the joint. Jealous … envious maybe? I want to touch her lips, too.

After Bella takes three puffs, she hands the joint to me. I look at my sister and she only shrugs, so I do it—if only to be closer to Bella. The effects take place quickly. By the time I hand it off to Jasper, I'm laughing and can feel my heart beating rapidly. My face feels numb, my mouth dry, but what's really zealous is Bella and the way she is looking at me.

We stare at each other for what seems like hours. Every once and while she'll blow a stray hair away from her face or I'll scratch my nose. It isn't until Jasper and Alice's ear shattering laughter comes to a halt that we break eye contact.

My sister is kissing my best friend.

Bella squeezes my hand, and when I look away from the insanity Bella's face is really, really close. So close I can smell her breath. I lean closer, and she leans closer. She licks her lips, and so do I. Our hands are still connected, and that's the only touching we're doing until our lips finally meet.

My eyes pop open for a split second after I feel her tongue touch my lip. Closing my eyes, I touch her lip with my tongue, too.

Then our mouths open.

Bella mouth is sweet; she tastes like bubblegum and weed. I feel her teeth a couple of times, but that's okay. Our tongues and lips glide and slide and wrap; they linger and brush and feel. There is a whole lot of saliva, but a whole lot of something else, too. My heart wants to detonate; her kiss gives me chills. Bella's kiss rocks through my foundation.

I never want it to stop, because she feels so … impulsive. Bella gives me urges and makes my body change.

And it's okay.

My dad said so.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

**Bella**

**February 1999**

They throw words around like depression, anxiety, helplessness, and guilt. They poke, prod, and drain me. These people shine lights in my face and ask me to pick out pictures in blobs. I tell them I can't point out a picture from a black splotch on a white board. They only nod and jot down more notes.

My mom cries, and my dad touches my hair. He tells me everything is going to be okay. Dad asks me how I feel. I tell him I'm fine, but that all of the jabbing and pushing is aggravating. He tells me it's for my own good, and that I'll be feeling better soon. He also mentions that none of this is my fault, so if I'm blaming myself, I shouldn't be.

Doctors ask me questions about my eating habits, my sleeping habits, and my everyday habits. It makes me think of Edward.

I want him.

I want him with me badly.

After I think of him, I don't want to be here anymore. I'm sick of being weighed and spoken at. Edward makes everything better—he makes my sad better.

Depression. It's such a big word.

"When did you start feeling sad, Isabella?"

They had my mom leave the room; I'm alone, wishing I was with Edward.

I shrug, because I don't remember. The days just amalgamate.

His legs are crossed, and this doctor doesn't look at me as he speaks. "Do you ever feel like hurting yourself, Isabella?"

I shrug again.

"Have you ever hurt yourself, Isabella?"

I shrug.

"Your mom tells me you're in high school and your grades are dropping. Do you do drugs or drink, Isabella?"

I stare at the ground, hating this man. Hating him for his stupid tone and his awkward questions. I miss Edward and his hug. I miss his kisses. He gives them to me all of the time. He holds my hand and kisses me. That makes me not be sad anymore. He's the only thing that helps.

"No." I tell him, only because I don't want my dad to confront Alice about the herb.

"Do you hear voices? Do voices in your head tell you to do things?"

I laugh. I'm not crazy, I'm sad. "No."

He looks at me, and I wonder if laughing constitutes me as crazy? Just because I'm sad, does that mean I'm not standard? I'm shameful. Better not tell Edward, he hates shame. He would be so upset to know he was kissing and hugging a girl so full of shame.

"Your father tells me chemical depression runs on his side of the family. Do you know what depression is, Isabella?"

"Sad?" I ask.

"Close. Depression is, and tell me if any of this applies, a psychiatric disorder showing symptoms such as persistent feelings of hopelessness, dejection, poor concentration, lack of energy, inability to sleep and, sometimes, suicidal tendencies. Do any of those apply to you, Isabella?"

I shrug. They all apply. Except, I don't want to die. I would miss Edward too much.

"It's okay, Isabella. It's okay if it does. Now that we know, we can help. Do you want help? You must know this isn't your fault. It's only a chemical imbalance in your brain. You were born this way, and now everything will be fine."

I want Edward.

"Tell me about your sunglasses."

I shake my head.

"Your Mom said when you were younger you didn't like people to look at you. She said that you cried until she told you the sunglasses made you invisible. She said you never taken them off in public. Your mom said you own hundreds of pairs. Do you feel invisible, Isabella?"

I took them off once, on our birthday. I gave Edward my glasses.

I shrug.

"Isabella, I'm going to write you a prescription for some pills that are going to make you feel better. They're going to make you more like yourself. How does that make you feel?"

It makes me feel like I want Edward.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

**Edward**

**April 1999**

Dirt flies onto my shoe, but I don't care.

"Edward, do you like kissing me? Do you ever think about kissing other girls? Girls like Pepper Hill? She's more like you, don't you think?" Bella digs the stick into the mud, flinging mud onto my leg. "More perfect like you are, less lacking like me."

"Pepper is pretty," I say, nudging Bella with my elbow. "She has long blonde hair, perfect teeth, and green eyes." I watch Bella's face fall before placing my lips close to her ear. "But do you know what?"

She smiles. "What?"

"She isn't you. I like kissing you." I pull away; Bella's eyes sparkle under her pink and black polka dot sunglasses. "You're my girl, right?"

Unsure of labels, my heart echoes in my ears. I've been too afraid to ask because Bella has been so touch and go lately. She's always with me. She and I are always together, and I can see the distance in her sometimes. It scares me senseless.

She smiles while falling back on her butt; Bella's bare feet dig into the mud. We're in the forest behind our houses, and at age fourteen, our parents still don't allow us to go anywhere by ourselves. Chief Swan knows we're back here. He pops M&M's in his mouth as he walks by, pretending to do yard work.

He owes me five packs for today; my record is twenty-seven. He still owes me for that day, too.

"You like me in that way, Edward? I'm strange and have no friends."

"You have friends." She has me.

"Emmett and Jasper only like me because you do. Rosalie Hale never talks to me, and that's it. Who else is there? People think I'm weird."

I hit her stick away. I hate this. I hate her pity and self-doubt. "Well, I don't."

"I keep you up all night, and my parents fight because of my … because of my issues." Bella drifts off to somewhere else; she's physically here with me, but her mind is gone.

Bella picks at the dirt with her fingers aimlessly, looking at nothing. I touch her face and force her to look at me. She does, and she comes back. I can deal with her sadness because it doesn't seem so bad when I'm around, but when she disappears like that, it's hard for me to understand.

"I like staying up with you all night, Bella. You're matchless, not strange. Don't you see that?"

She rolls her eyes. "Edward, my dad gives you candy so you'll make me smile. That's strange."

I put my arm over her shoulder and kiss her cheek. "That makes your dad strange. You, I like. Be my girl ... I would be lost without you," I sing-song, only because I want to make her smile.

"You want me to be your girlfriend?"

I nod.

Bella looks away, and then she smiles. "Okay. I'll be your girlfriend. But we can't be like Emmett and Rosalie Hale; they're gross."

"Deal," I agree easily.

"And I don't want anything to change. I like the way we are. It's just a classification."

"Okay."

"And there's one more thing," Bella whispers, digging her fingers into the mud.

"Okay."

"I want to have sex."

Chief Swan must have sonar hearing; his head pops up from his pile of leaves and we make eye contact. I get the 'Boy' look from across the yard. Two fingers to his eyes, two fingers in my direction, like he's saying: "_Boy, I know what you're up to, and I've got my eyes on you."_ or "_Boy, your little prick won't go__ near my princess."_

I better talk to my dad.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

**Edward**

**April 1999**

My dad stares at me like I just told him there's a medical seminar in Cambridge, Alaska and he wasn't invited.

No, better than that.

His face reminds me of that one time a grown man stole his stethoscope out of his office when he wasn't looking. He was so upset because it was his lucky stethoscope and someone had pinched it. Dad had to buy a new stethoscope, but it wasn't the same as his lucky stethoscope, because it wasn't his lucky stethoscope. It was a new unlucky one. Yep, that's what he looks like.

"Well, son." he clears his throat, shutting the door so that Mom doesn't hear our conversation. "I told you that your body would be changing, but are you sure you're ready for this?"

Bella wants sex, so what's the big deal? It's natural, it happens, and it's a part of becoming a man. Dad confirmed all of this before, now he's asking if I'm ready. I wasn't ready for hair to grow on my balls but that happened. I'm ready. She's ready. We're ready.

I wonder how many M&M's the Chief would give me if I made Bella smile during sex. Those should count as double.

"Bella said," I say.

He looks at me and nods … waiting. "Bella said what, son?"

_What? _

"Bella just said." For being a doctor my dad is clueless as to what being a teenager is really all about. We live in a time of grunge and rock; it's been five years since Kurt Cobain died and he's asking me if I'm ready for sex! He needs to go back to school or maybe smoke some of Alice's herb.

"Considering Bella's depression, Edward, I'm not sure if committing to a physical relationship with her is very wise."

"Bella's depression?"

"Yes, Edward. Bella is sick."

"Is she going to die?"

"No, she's just sad sometimes, son."

"That's a lie. I make her smile all of the time." I cross my arms over my chest; he knows nothing. I'm never coming to my dad for advice again. "Dad, being sad isn't being sick. Being sad is being sad."

He nods. "I still think you should wait, son. There is a certain maturity level that is required when making love."

I roll my eyes; Bella didn't say she wanted to make love. We're already in love. She said she wanted to have sex.

My dad laughs, giving me a knowing look. "There is a difference between making love and having sex, son. They're basically the same, but making love is more special than just having sex. With your age and Bella's depression, I don't think it's an intelligent choice rushing into this. You can be her boyfriend and Bella can be your girlfriend without a physical relationship. You're only fourteen."

I get up and leave; I hate my dad.

I head right over to Bella's. Thankfully it's the weekend and the Chief isn't here to give me dirty 'Boy' looks for being in his daughter's room.

I cross my lawn, her lawn, up the few steps, and then I knock on the door hard because I'm pissed. Mrs. Swan answers the door. She's licking a spatula with chocolate on it. I want to ask her for a lick, but I don't. Mrs. Swan moves out of the way because she already knows I'm here for Bella. I tell her thank you and go upstairs.

Bella's room is dark. It's warm and lit only by hundreds of candles. The chief would flip if he saw this, and it would somehow becoming my fault. He would come up here, open the door… evil eye me and say something like: _"Boy, are you trying to burn my family's house down?" _or _"Do you want us to be houseless, boy? Is that what you want?'_

"You shouldn't have all of these candles lit," I groan. They are everywhere, on every surface and appliance.

"Shhhh," she says from her bed. She has lime green square glasses on her face.

The radio is on, blasting Nirvana's Aneurysm. I turn it down, and Bella sits up. She tells me I don't have respect for the dead. She tells me to turn it back up right this instance or she won't be my girlfriend anymore. Bella crosses her arms and pouts her lip.

"You can't tell me you won't be my girlfriend anymore over a radio," I say.

She smiles, patting the bed beside her. I sit and we kiss: tongues and wet and sweetness. She holds my hand, and at a lower volume we mourn the loss of Kurt Cobain. Mrs. Swan brings us brownies. I eat one, and Bella eats three.

"You're hungry today?" I ask, laughing at the chocolate coating her fingertips.

"Yes, I'm happy today, too."

"Bella, I gotta tell you something. My dad says we shouldn't have sex."

She shrugs. "What do dads know?"

"Are you depressed?"

She shoves the rest of her brownie in her mouth, and with full cheeks, she nods.


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

**Bella**

**MAY 1999**

"You're going out with Edward Cullen? Like, he's your boyfriend? He kisses you, and he says nice things to you? You're going steady?"

I hate Pepper Hill.

"Yeah, he's my boyfriend," I mumble, hating her. I hate her so much more than normal because she wants to take him from me.

Why doesn't she care that he's my only friend?

Pepper and her friends laugh, comment on my glasses, and call me a freak.

Why couldn't I be born like her? Perfect, happy, and confident enough to tease another person. I wouldn't classify myself as a freak. I'm not that ugly. My hair is okay … I just let Edward brush it in the mornings. It's not Pepper-Hill-perfect, but it isn't that bad. I dress the same as I always have, except now my t-shirts are a little tighter because I have boobs, and my jeans are tighter because my mom says my hips are expanding.

I wear my glasses because I have to. I'm not a freak ... _maybe a little._

Edward doesn't realize my freak status, though. He doesn't see how perfect he's become and how utterly the same I have remained. He ignores the way girls flock and gravitate towards him; his hair is perfect, his jaw is perfect, and those eyes … I wouldn't hide behind colored glasses if I had his eyes. Even the way he walks is extraordinary.

Like the way he's walking towards me right now—popular school boy. It's as if Edward's walking in slow motion running his hand through his hair. He smirks, and it's like he was made in the movies.

One day he'll get tired of staying up with me all night. He'll get over brushing my hair and riding me on his handles bars. He'll realize how much better he is than me, and he'll move on. But for now, he loves me and doesn't look at others. Others like Pepper Hill.

I hate Pepper Hill.

The closer he gets the bigger his smile becomes. I can't help but to smile back. What can I say? He makes my freakish heart pitter and patter. It feels good to react this way. He's stimulating and beautiful.

He comes closer and closer; I blush, but Edward grabs my hand and kisses my face. We have totally turned into Emmett and Rosalie Hale. We kiss all of the time. We hold hands and do gushy things at school. My mom said it means that he likes me. My dad said he better never see "that boy" place his lips on me—ever.

"I have something for you," he whispers into my ear.

Pepper Hill is staring, and her face is really red, angry red.

"It's not our birthday," I say, sticking my tongue out at Pepper.

Edward pulls away, holding my hand. "I know, but I found this in a classroom and it reminded me of you. It's our secret, though. I think the class room needed it. There were a lot of them, so they won't miss one. Especially this one, because it's yours, not theirs."

"You can't steal presents, Edward."

"It isn't not stealing if it's yours." From behind his back, he pulls out a Peacock feather. It's long, green, and shiny. Pretty blues and some purples mix.

I love it, and I cry.

"Why are you crying?" he asks sympathetically, running his finger up the green feather.

"Because I love it," I say.

These stupid pills, they make me so weird.

He laughs so big that his head leans back, and I can see all of Edward's back teeth laugh. "My sweet girl."

Edward lifts my glasses up, kisses my tears away, and bends at the knees in order to get a better look at me. His face is so, so serious when he asks, "Do you know what?"

I shake my head and sniffle. "No."

"I love you. I love you a lot."

.

.

.

**AN: Peacock feathers belong to Filia1990.**


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

**Edward**

**June 1999**

"Bella," I call in a soft voice, waving my hand in front of her face.

She's sitting at our lunch table with her feet up on her chair and a yogurt in her hand. It's difficult to see through her navy blue glasses, but I can. Her eyes are empty, and she's distant.

"What's wrong with her?" Jasper asks.

"Nothing's wrong with her," I snap, turning my chair away from him and more toward her. Taking Bella's yogurt, I place it on the table and scoot her chair across the tiles so that she is right up against me. I whisper in a low voice, "Where are you, Bella?"

She blinks, smiles, and looks up at me. "Sorry, day dreaming."

"You're so pretty when you day dream," I say, kissing her cheek.

She snickers, setting her feet back down on the floor. "You're such a sap."

"Sign my year book." I kiss the inside palm of her hand. We decided earlier that we would sigh each other's book later, but I need her to focus on something before she disappears again.

Bella takes a pen, snaps it open beside my ear, and writes quickly. When I look, I'm not surprised to see her four little words: HAVE SEX WITH ME.

.

.

.

I'm waiting, but she isn't coming. For the last year, every day after school Bella's met up with me by the bike rack. But today she's late, or she isn't coming. Standing with my hands in my pocket, I can't decide if I should go look for her or stay here.

Jasper gave up and left. Emmett and Rosalie Hale are waiting, but they're getting irritated.

"Edward," Rosalie calls my name, twirling a piece of hair around her finger. "Edward, you go find her. We'll stay and wait, wait, wait."

Looking back over my shoulder, I thank Rosalie Hale and run. There are not many reasons why Bella would be late; she doesn't have many friends, she doesn't participate in any after school activities, and Chief Swan doesn't let her go anywhere by herself. I'm it for her, and I'm worried.

Running in the direction of her last class, I stop when I see her. Sticking my hands back into my pockets, I feel an anger I haven't felt since I elbowed Mike Newton in the face: rage.

Bella doesn't spot me as I step closer in her direction. She continues to talk like I'm not even there. Overcome, I grab her by her elbow hard enough to get her attention. "What are you doing?"

These boys from the reservation are trouble. Bella knows this. She knows, but she stands here speaking to Jacob Black like she doesn't. She is laughing with him. She giggled. I heard.

"Nothing. I'm sorry." Bella doesn't pull her elbow away. Instead she introduces me. "Jake, this is my boyfriend, Edward."

He's taller, bigger, and intimidating, but nothing scares me.

"What's up, Ed?" he greets, not at all genuine.

I stand in front of Bella, holding her hand but blocking his view of her. "Stay away from my girl."

He laughs. "Your girl?"

"You heard me."

Bella sighs. "Edward."

Jake looks over me, winking at Bella. "I'll see you around, Bells."

Nothing she has ever done to me has made me feel apprehensive or jealous. Never once in five years. Things are different now. Our feelings are different. My emotions are still changing. Being jealous is normal in a relationship between a boy and a girl, but this is different.

I can feel it…


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

**Bella**

**August 1999**

"You guys are in love? In love-love or in kid-love, because there is a difference."

I'm at the Cullen's house with Esme and Alice. This nutty girl's been on the road following this indie band from Seattle all summer long. She came back two nights ago with a tattoo and a few dreadlocks. Her nose is pierced, and she wears vintage clothes. She's so cool. She even bought me a shirt.

I shrug, picking a string on my shirt. "Well, we say love most days. He's nice to me, and he holds my hand. Edward's my boyfriend, and I'm his girlfriend."

"Hmmm…" She ponders, still smoking the herb. "Has he seen your boobs?"

I cover my chest with my arms. "What? No."

Alice throws me a sly, sneaky smile. "Edward told me you want to have sex, Bella." Smoke that was inhaled through her mouth comes out her nose. "That's such a big, big word for such a small, small girl. Do you know what it means to have sex? Do you understand what it's like to share that part of yourself with another person?"

"I don't know," I answer. "Maybe."

"Can I ask what the rush is?" When I don't answer, she sighs. "Does he shimmy-shake your bones? Look at him, over there laying concrete with your dad. Edward isn't a little boy anymore. He's a man—look at him."

I'm looking and swallowing hard. His shirt is off and it's hanging out of the back pocket of his jeans. His chest is showing, and he's sweating … a lot. Our driveway's cracked and my father mentioned wanting to fix it, so Dr. Cullen thought it would be nice for Edward to help him repair the damage. I should go and thank him for being so smart.

"Sex is so cheap, Bella. Making love is prettier. Kids who love and have sex too early fuck everything up. But if you're in love-love, I think you're going to be fine."

Nodding, I stare at Edward. He drops the last bag of cement to the ground. Wiping his forehead with the back of his hand, he looks at me and my bones shimmy and shake. He waves me over, but my dad looks over his shoulder and grumbles something to my boyfriend. Edward's _"Yes, Sir"_ is audible.

I go to him instead.

"You're all sweaty." I giggle, sounding like Pepper Hill.

"We're busy, Bella," Dad mumbles, flattening wet concrete.

Edward pulls me to him by my wrist. "I love you like no other," he says so, so softly.

"I love you, too," I whisper tenderly.

He bows down, and I bend beside him. A finger to his lips asks me not to say a word.

A secret.

The first of many to come.

His mouth at my ear, and his face is pink beneath my glasses. "See my hands? Follow me, but be quiet."

I hover two palms and ten sticky fingers over wet cement. Edward nods, and I follow his direction. Now four palms and twenty fingers hover above wet cement. Edward mouths, "One, two, three." At "three" we press our prints into the concrete, pushing deeper and deeper until the cement covers our fingers and squishes our palms.

Edward's are so much larger than mine; he has long fingers and strong veins. After another countdown, we pull our hands away and are forever in cement. He grabs a stick from the mud and writes our names and the date under our prints. I add the little heart between the two.

Alice stumbles her way over and steals the stick from Edward. "Give it to me, brother." And above our handprints she writes: _Alice hearts weed._ She drops the branch and walks away in a stoner-stumble.

"Hey, boy, get off your lazy—what the fuck, boy!" Charlie drops whatever he was holding and storms over. I'm laughing, but Edward looks really scared. My dad stands over where we're bent; he's studying our hands and the words, giving Edward the eye.

"Alice hearts weed? Is that some kind of gang talk? Get your sister over here. I think her and I need to have a talk, boy," Dad grumbles.

We nod.

"Why is there a heart between your hands, kids?"

We shrug.

My dad laughs a deep and rough laugh. It's a hold your belly because it might just break, kind of laugh.

"Boy, you have some beautiful hands."


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

**Bella**

**June 1999**

"Lay where you're laying, don't make a sound." I crawl off of his bed and shut the bedroom door.

Alice is babysitting again. It's the last day of summer; school starts tomorrow. Our parents are out shopping, and my dad is busy doing Chief of Police stuff. Edward lies on the bed like I asked; his eyes are closed and his cheeks are red. I turn the radio up, straighten out my hair, and get back onto the bed.

Taking his hand, his breath hitches. I ask him to keep his eyes closed, and he does. His hand is shaky, consumed with what's to transpire. I place his hand on my chest, and his eyes snap open—wide open.

He doesn't remove his palm. "Bella."

"Are you scared? Because I'm not," I say.

He shakes his head, but I can tell he's nervous. I drop his hand; Edward hitches himself onto his elbows to watch what I'm doing. The room is purple behind my purple heart glasses. Up on my knees, I pull my shirt off and show Edward Cullen my bra for the very first time.

His head falls back. "I'm dying. I'm dying," he whispers.

My hands are behind my back unhooking my bra, and for the first time Edward Cullen can see my bare chest.

Neither one of us is breathing—not for about ten seconds. He's looking at my chest, and I'm looking at his face. He blinks and blinks and blinks…

He smiles, this time putting his own hand on me. "The greatest."

Carefully lowering me onto my back, Edward lies at my side. We kiss while his hand stays on my left boob. I want more. I want him to touch me. Our cheeks are red and the room is stuffy from our breathing. I try to situate myself so he gets on top, but Edward won't budge.

"Why are you afraid of me?" I moan as his lips travel down my neck to my collar bone. "We love-love, Edward. It's enough."

He doesn't speak as his green eyes look at me while his lips move further down my chest. I watch as they brush over my shoulder and down the right side of my right breast. I gasp.

Slowly, slowly, slowly his mouth gets closer to my nipple. I can feel his breath and wet trails until he's finally there. Warmth surrounds—wet and tongue and licking. Fire shoots between my legs, and I have to use my own hands to cover my mouth.

Edward's gentle at first, but then his hand squeezes a little harder and he sucks a little deeper. I can feel his tongue doing flips, circling and kissing. It's the way he kisses me on my mouth, but he's doing it on my chest. He switches sides, and the abandoned nipple shines in the light. Fire shoots again. This time I moan, and Edward smiles against my breast.

Hot—everything is hot as a fever. He rattles my bones, and I can taste it—taste what it will be like to have sex with him. He's strong, his movements are tough. He would handle me, love me … take me. God, his sex is on fire.

I can't wait. I can't wait another day.

I'm touching everywhere and anywhere. "Edward."

"Now?" he asks, lifting his head. He's all pouty lips and red cheeks.

I nod.

It's decided. I can see he wants it, too … until the slamming door of a police cruiser echoes from outside.

Edward jumps up and throws my bra at my face. We're all over the place, limbs and shirts and legs. He pulls my shirt over my head while I try to snap white cotton back in place.

When our backs hit the bed, Edward's bedroom door opens and a very suspecting Chief gives us both the "Boy" look

"'Nothing!" Edward yells, despite never being asked a thing. But the pillow over his lap is a dead giveaway.


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

**Bella**

**August 1999**

"Dude, I saw your girl talking to those rez kids again. I know she saw me see her. Bella saw me and waved, but continued to laugh at that Jake kid. He's bad news, Edward. Really bad news. He shouldn't be talking to Bella, dude," Emmett says, eating his pizza.

We're back in school. The second day back and Bella's already rekindling her friendship with Jacob Black. I'm sitting at our lunch table. The same table from last year. I have our lunch, and I have our seats, but I have no Bella.

Rubbing my hands over my face, I'm inpatient with her. Emmett and Rosalie Hale are feeling bad for me; Jasper is oblivious to everything like he normally is. Jazz just goes with the flow, his life is easy … being with Bella is proving hard.

Depression and her pleas for sex, M&M's, and now Jacob Black—it's a lot to handle. I'm angry. She makes me so angry.

"There she is, Edward. Don't tell her I told you. I don't want her mad at me." Emmett hides behind his pizza. Rosalie Hale is looking from the corner of her eye.

Bella and I have never had a fight, but I feel like fighting now. I told her to stay away from Jacob Black, but she doesn't listen. She is changing. Not like before when she grew boobs, but her personality is changing. My dad said it happens to teenage girls. Especially to teenage girls who have chemical imbalances. Dad said that being a teenager is already difficult, but being a teenager like Bella is exceptionally problematic. Each day is different, and they rebel. Depressed, problematic teens look for confirmation and acceptance. He told me I have to love her especially close because she needs guidance and support.

How can I guide and support if she won't listen to me? Why would she listen if she doesn't understand?

I kick the chair beside me out for her. Bella's head is down. She's hiding from me behind her hair and glasses, but she smiles at the rest of the table. Chewing a piece of gum, blowing bubbles, she sits. Bella is wearing pink oval glasses. She's is so pretty, but I'm so mad.

"Why were you talking to Jacob Black?" I ask irately and lowly, so that only she can hear.

Emmett coughs, and Bella blinks rapidly while she looks at my face through her glasses. "He's my friend," she says defensively.

Her friend? I'm her friend.

And just like that Bella breaks my heart. She doesn't call many people friends. It's hard for her to admit that Emmett, Jasper, and Rosalie Hale are her friends, but so easily Jacob Black is?

Scooting my chair back, it makes a screeching sound against the tile floor. I get up and walk away from the girl I love so, so much. I can't stand to look at her, and that's never happened. I need space. Just for moment, I need some air.

I walk through the lunch room's double doors; it's cold out. I keep walking and walking while shaking my head and fisting my hands. She doesn't follow, which is good. I do circles around the school, ready to fight. I want to say mean things, and I crave to hit Jacob Black.

The lunch bell rings. I have history with Bella after lunch, but I'm too upset; I'm ditching. I head toward the very back of the school where I can hide for an hour until class is over. When I get there, Pepper Hill's leaning against the back of the building smoking a cigarette. She looks at me and smiles.

"Want to try?" she offers.

My dad says not to smoke, but I'm angry, so I do anyway. I like its calming effect. I take another hit; Pepper tells me to slow down. "Slow down because first time smokers can get sick if they're not careful."

This makes me laugh, and it feels good to laugh. Pepper Hill takes the cigarette back from me. I can see why Bella's so jealous of her. She's stunning in a blinding type of way. Not naturally like my girl. There's an effort to Pepper's beauty. It's appreciated, just not by me.

"Want to meet here tomorrow?" she asks, shaking her pack of cigarettes.

I know it's wrong, but I'm still mad at Bella, so I agree.

If she can do it, so can I.


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

**Edward**

**November 1999**

"Not today, Edward."

"Can I go up and see her?"

Mrs. Swan sighs. "Edward, not today."

There's an indescribable weight on my heart; Bella hasn't been to school in two long days. The Chief was over to speak to my dad last night. They were whispering about episodes and unstoppable crying. I wasn't supposed to be listening, but she hasn't been at the window. I'm worried.

Exhaustion is catching up with me this morning. "Will you tell her I love her, and please ask her to call me as soon as she is feeling better?"

With tired eyes, more so than my own, Mrs. Swan smiles. "You know I will, Edward."

Bella and I don't ride the bike to school anymore; we walk. Walking by myself is lonely. Being at school without her is lonely. I stayed up all night at the window waiting for her to show up, she never did. Now I'm suffering the consequences … I'm so tired.

.

.

.

When I get home from school, she's waiting for me, bright eyed and barefoot at my doorstep. Bella runs as soon as I'm within sight. Slamming into my body, she kisses my face. It feels so good to touch her, and I'm happy to see her. I'm glad that she's feeling more like herself. I'm just too tired to show it.

"What's the matter? Are you okay? Edward, talk to me." Her hands are on my face. She looks at me through her green circle glasses; sometimes I just want to see her eyes.

"I'm just tired, baby," I assure her, taking her hand and leading her into my house, up to my room.

Falling face flat onto my bed, I feel her weight beside me. "It's a job to be my boyfriend, isn't it? I'm a hassle."

I crack open an eye. Bella's staring at me with a torn expression. I want to tell her that get it, and that I love her regardless. I understand she's sick, and I'm here. I'm always here, and I'm never going anywhere. I'm just too tired to explain she can count on me. My eyes won't stay open, and my body won't function.

Bella removes my shoes and pulls the blanket over my body. She lies beside me, but not as close as before, and I hate the distance. I can't bring myself to mutter a single word about how much I missed her today, or that I like her glasses. My eyes are drifting closed; they become heavier and heavier. She's holding my hand, and I want to wipe away her tears away, but I can't. I'm too tired.

Before I fall asleep, Bella tells me she loves me. She's sorry I'm so tired. She hates the purple beneath my eyes. She knows my fatigue is her doing, but she's going to try and put a stop to it. Bella asks me if I can understand that she was born this way. It's not on purpose, but she'll try harder. She'll be stronger.

I listen to her words with closed eyes; my body is completely relaxed and warm. When I wake up I'm going to tell her everything that she needs to know. I love her too, unconditionally. My love for her is absolute. I'll explain to her that I stay awake with her every night because I want to, because I care, because she's my girl.

No matter what.

But right now, I'm just too tired. I need to catch up on some sleep. Tonight I'll be by the window, and everything will be like normal. Tomorrow we'll walk to school together, and everything will be okay. If she'll just lay here with me, when I wake up Bella, she'll know.

I just can't tell her right now.

I'm too tired.


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22**

**Edward**

**December 1999**

"You smell like smoke," Bella whispers.

We're kissing. I could kiss her forever. She'd let me. I know she would.

I kiss her shoulder, slowly bringing the strap to her shirt down. "No, I don't," I say against her skin.

Bella lifts her arms so that I am able to pull off her shirt. "Don't you?"

I've seen Bella's chest twenty-three times ... well, twenty-four, now. I count because each time is better than the last. I swear they've gotten larger. My dad would probably say something like, "_T__eenage girls continue to develop into their tw__enties_." But I don't ask my dad questions anymore.

Unsnapping her bra, I kiss under her jaw. "I don't, baby."

I've been meeting Pepper Hill behind the school every day to smoke. Bella's unaware. It's become more than just getting back at my girlfriend after our first fight, though. Pepper buys me my own pack, and I smoke a couple times a day. My troubled girlfriend's been doing well for the last four weeks, but I worry and smoking helps. I'm fifteen. I should be able to do what I want. Bella wouldn't agree, so I don't tell her. It's not an argument I want to have.

Uncovering her right breast, I'm getting hard. Bella and I have been talking about sex since we were fourteen years old, and finally, I'm ready. I want her—need her. The ache I feel becomes more profound every time we fool around ... which is often.

I hate lying to her, but it's better than hurting her feelings. "Maybe it's from the party."

It's New Year's Eve, and our parents are hosting a gathering. Everyone's drunk, and Alice promised to keep a look out for me and Bella.

This could be the night.

After spending some time on her chest, her cheeks are red, but she still has her purple circle glasses on. "Bella, take them off." I climb on top of her, in the middle of her.

Her hands come between us, she's unbuttoning her jeans.

I'm trying to be understanding, but I'm frustrated with her entire situation. "Not your pants. Your glasses."

She sighs loudly. I sense her becoming uncomfortable, but she does it. Bella takes off her glasses and places them to the side. I smile before kissing her, looking right into her eyes. She's so beautiful, and I hate that she feels it's necessary to hide behind those frames all of the time.

Once her pants are unbuttoned and unzipped, I pull them down her legs. I tell her that I love her so much ... so fucking much. Bella laughs because I said the 'F' word. "It's true," I say, kissing her knee. "You're the only one for me"

Bella's underwear are next to come off. I've never seen girl privates in real life. I'm mesmerized and hypnotized. Lying beside her, Bella whispers my name as I touch her center. I run my fingers between her folds. Her back arches.

It's like a button.

I touch and rub and feel until I am brave enough to slide a finger inside of her. It's so warm that I groan and squeeze my eyes shut for a moment. Only one finger, that's all that will fit. I try two, but she whines.

"That feels good ... right there, Edward. That feels really, really nice."

I have no idea what I'm doing. I follow the directions that her body and her face give. Slower, faster … right there—too hard. My thumb circles on that button that makes her squirm. My finger is wet, and she smells so good. Bella's nipples are hard, and I cannot believe I'm doing this to her myself.

Her eyes open, and I whimper; they're so clear. They are brown, but crystal brown—big and bright and beautiful. I don't ever want her to cover them again. I hate those glasses. She's too pretty to wear them.

I kiss her. She's breathing against my lips, holding onto my arm.

We stay this way. I touch, circle, and feel until I don't know what's happening. Her entire body goes stiff. Bella's back arches really high, and her legs close on my hand. Bella slaps her hand over her mouth to cover a moan. Her cheeks turn so, so red, and her skin is so, so hot. On my finger, the one inside of her, muscles contract, sucking my finger in deeper. I keep moving because I think that this is right. When she breathes my name and uses the Lords name in vain, I know I'm doing something right.

She finally goes limp and my finger is soaked. Bella smiles, and she tells me she has never ever, ever felt better than she does right this second. She says that she wants me to do it again, and that she loves me so much—so fucking much. This time I laugh, wiping my finger on my jeans just as Alice knocks on the door.

Two knocks.

Two knocks means our parents are wondering where we are.


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23**

**Bella**

**May 2000**

"I want those."

"Those?" my mom questions. She's been questioning my choices all day.

"Yeah, Mom. Those."

"Okay." She grabs them, takes them to the register. She pays with a worried expression.

Worried expressions come in so many different forms. There's a mother form, a father version, and a tired boyfriend edition. Not to mention the poker faces all of the psychiatrists and pediatricians have. Worried expressions … I see through them all.

They aren't fooling anyone.

My mom and I sit at lunch. I'm eating a salad. She's hovering, making sure I eat all of my vegetables. I don't have an eating disorder; I'm just sad some of the time.

"This was a good day, right? Did you like being with me?" she asks. Mom's worried about my eating habits, but Mom has been poking at the same cherry tomato for the last five minutes.

Trying, offering. "Yeah, Mom. It's been great."

Silence isn't awkward on my side. It is for her, though. I should think of something, anything to talk about. I can speak to her about school. I can tell her I made a few new friends in the rez boys, but she might tell Dad. He's like Edward. My dad and Edward are so alike. Jake is only a friend. He's nice to me when no one but Edward usually is. I wish he wouldn't get so upset about it.

Finally she eats the tomato. "How's Edward, honey?"

"Good, Mom. Edward is good." He is good. He's wonderful.

I hate thinking that I'm not good enough for him. He loves me, and I know it only makes things worse when I try to convince him otherwise. I have no choice but to accept his love. I love him so much in return. The other girls at school drive me insane with jealousy. He's like them: perfect and popular. But he sticks with me, and I don't think it's entirely out of pity.

Maybe that's why I did what I did today.

I thought having sex would work, but he isn't in a hurry. I'm terrified of losing him. If he ever really opens his eyes and sees what damage I am inflicting on him, he'll leave. So I have to try, and this is me trying. I hope he appreciates my effort because I am so scared. Change isn't easily accepted. I might just be ridiculed for this.

"You look beautiful, Bella. You really do … it's a nice change." She's honest; my mom's telling the truth.

"Thanks, Mom."

"Edward is going to love it."

"Thanks, Mom."

She laughs. "Your dad on the other hand … he isn't going to be so happy about his daughter growing up."

"Thanks, Mom."

.

.

.

Dad sits on his recliner. I'm on the couch. "You're never leaving the house."

Panic, utter panic.

This is exactly what I was afraid of. If my dad doesn't like it, what is Edward and the other kids at school going to think?

"Charlie, don't be ridiculous," My mom scolds, tap, tap, tapping her foot on the carpet.

He flips through the channels. I want to run up to my room and hide by my window. I hate my dad sometimes.

"She looks like she's eighteen, Renee. I already have enough trouble keeping the freak boy next door away from her."

This makes me laugh; he has no clue.

"She's fifteen. She looks fifteen, Charlie" Mom scoffs, flip, flip, flipping her hair behind her shoulder.

"That boy is not allowed over. You're not allowed near him, Bella." Dad's mustache moves when he talks. I want to rip it off of his face.

My heart beating, and my hands shaking and sweating. Frustrated is the best word to describe my feelings. Those poker-faced shrinks tell me to use "_action_" words to describe my feelings. Is "_frustrated_" an action word?

My mom has a worried expression. I'm so sick of this. I stand, and stomp, stomp, stomp my foot. My dad looks at me; he wears a worried expression.

"Dad, you have no fucking idea what it feels like to be me!" I'm yell, yell, scream-shrieking.

I'm crying; more crying and more sad. More worried expressions.


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24**

**Edward**

**May 2000**

**The next day**

Bella had an argument with her dad. She called me and cried, cried, cried all night long. She wouldn't show her face out the window. She said that she was ugly and puffy from crying for so long and so hard. We stayed on the phone, and I listened to her breathe and cry u ntil I fell asleep.

I woke up an hour later. She was still crying.

Sleeping after that wasn't an option. So I stayed awake and spoke to her. I told her sweet things. I explained to Bella how she is everything. Eventually, she calmed down. Bella might have even slept herself, but that was only a little while ago, and now I have to wake her up for school.

I drag my feet across grass, yawning, carrying a thermos of coffee for Bella and me. It's not raining today, but I wore a beanie anyways. Alice gave me a suspicious look as I was leaving the house this morning. She grabbed my backpack before I had a chance to walk out the front door.

With her hands on the side of my face, she looked into my eyes. "This won't work. You can't do this forever, you know?"

I shrugged. What other option is there?

My sister patted my cheek and pushed me outside. "I know you love her, but you need to love yourself, too, Edward."

I knock on the door _one, two, three_ times. Mrs. Swan opens up and lets me in without a word; we have a routine. I come early, she lets me in, and I wake up Bella. It's the only way we can get my sad girl to function. She isn't a morning person, but she doesn't give me a hard time.

Seeing Bella always makes me happy, even if I don't feel that way when I first open my eyes. I love her. She's my girl, and for her I would do anything.

"Bella, time to wake up. I brought coffee." I open her door, she's already awake.

This has never happened before_._

"What do you think?" Bella asks, standing in the center of her bedroom.

What do I think? I think she looks different. She looks like them, like Pepper Hill with a touch of grunge. Bella lightened her hair. It's still brown, but now it has these caramel highlights. It's cut shorter—layered—only mid arm length. She's wearing a pair of pre-washed purple Levi skinny jeans and a white tank top. Instead of wearing our matching worn black Chucks, she has on a pair of black flats.

She's beautiful.

Only different.

The glasses are still there—purple hearts. That's familiar and valued. It's all appreciated, but I don't understand.

Her face falls, shoulders slouch. "You hate it?"

I smirk, and press my lips to her cheek. "I don't hate it, baby. You look pretty."

"Pretty?"

"Yes, I almost don't recognize you."

Bella kisses my lips, taking her coffee from my hands. She slips out of her black flats and into her Chucks, grabbing her back pack as she walks passed me. I can see the smile in her eye. She's still there, and whoever this show is for, isn't me.

I'm only wondering _who_.

I watch her the entire way to school. Her backpack is held high on her back, and she kicks the same rock for an entire block. I assumed she would eventually grow out of being a tom boy. My mom said it wouldn't last forever. I always thought Bella was more like Alice, and less like Pepper. She has hairspray in her hair and lip gloss on her lips, and I think today is the first time in two years that I haven't been the one to brush her hair. It looks sleek and shiny, not wavy and air dried like it usually does.

Maybe I feel insecure. Maybe I hate this.

"Bella, you know you're good enough, right? You know that I love you the way you are, right?"

She nods, biting her bottom lip. "Oh, yeah?"

I grab her wrist, stopping our stride in front of the school. I lift her glasses and I look into her eyes. "Yes."

"So is that why you smoke with Pepper Hill everyday behind school, because I'm good enough?"


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter 25**

**Charlie's POV**

**July 2000**

"She's angry. She not eating, not sleeping. Bella's even mean to the boy. Something's changed." I explain.

How does a father deal? I feel like half a man when I'm not able to care for my girl. It's my genes that did this to her. I've seen all of the women on my side manage depression. It's different when it's your daughter, though. It's easier to deal when it's your aunt or your mother. I feel hopeless. I feel like a failure, and she hates me for it.

Renee is crying and screaming, "Divorce!"

Do I fault my daughter for coming between a marriage that used to be so light, so easy? _No,_ I blame myself. But this is why we are here, to see if this can be fixed. Bella's in the waiting room. I let the freak boy next door come along. They're fifteen. Renee and the shrink say I have to get used to my daughter being in a relationship. Especially since he makes her happy.

Or he did, but something's changed.

"These things manifest and transform, Mr. and Mrs. Swan. Isabella's mood swings and frequent depression episodes are normal. The problem is distinguishing the depression from normal teenage behavior."

I watch her—Bella—never looking at peace, even when she sleeps. Her grades have fallen, and she doesn't have friends other than the boy. I've tried talking to her, and all she says is "You don't understand, Dad," or "I was born this way, Dad. It's never going to change, Dad." She depends and leans on the boy for everything. When they had that huge fight, I wanted to keep them apart. Fifteen is too young to be so involved. No one agreed with me, including the freaks parent's and my wife.

I surrender. "Tell me what to do."

"There are many causes of depression, Mr. Swan. Social anxieties, divorces, loss of control. In Isabella's case, she was literally born with this. Add in the pressures of being a teenager and you have a combination destined for disaster. These things are usually hard to diagnose in children and teens, but Isabella has been showing signs since she was a child. For example, her sunglasses."

A crutch.

Bella used to think she was invisible, and we played into it. Now she has hundreds of pairs, and she never takes them off.

The shrink continues as my wife cries; Renee knows we're to blame. "Things to watch out for are drug use and thoughts of suicide. Don't allow her to be a recluse, but offer her enough privacy and support so she knows she isn't alone."

"What about the boy? They're…" I clear my throat, "…pretty serious."

"That can go either way; if they fight, she has a higher risk of falling into an episode. If he makes her happy … well then, you have to take it where you can get it. Bella's fighting a battle against herself. She doesn't want to feel the ways she does, and if this boy makes her happy, I would encourage their friendship."

I scoff. Friendship. I have hands and a heart in my driveway that says they're more than friends.

"The fact is, Mr. Swan, Isabella will probably deal with depression for the duration of her life. The key is how to handle it so it's less frequent and less severe. You need to listen to her when she talks to you. Do not interrupt and do not judge. She needs to be aware of the comfort that surrounds her. Bella needs to know that she is loved, and no matter her faults, that she is safe."

He continues, "Bella's attending therapy regularly, so that's a step. I see that she takes medication for her anxiety, and that's another big step. Recognize the change in her behavior, and treat it before it gets so bad that she doesn't get out of bed."

The shrink waits a moment before she speaks again. Adjusting in my seat, I can feel that this is bad news.

"There's something else to watch out for, Chief Swan."

"What is it?"

"Sexual activity skyrockets in depressed teens. You said she has a serious boyfriend…"

I stand, giving the door that leads out to the waiting room the "eye". I know the boy can feel my stare through a wall. I grumble and make my way to that door. My wife trails behind me. The door opens. Edward is sitting next to my daughter, holding her hand. His face is scared, real scared.

I knew he could feel my eyes through the wall.

The boys hand's go up in surrender. "I didn't do anything!"

Renee drives the cruiser home with Bella in the front. I sit in the back with the freak boy, giving him the I-know-what-you're-up-to-you-little-bastard look the entire way there.


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter 26**

**Edward**

**August 2000**

Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to myself.

Bella wanted to break up with me after she found out I was smoking with Pepper Hill at school. I talked her out of it. This summer has been interesting, though. Her depression is an ugly monster with no regret, and I didn't make anything easy. I betrayed her trust, but what makes it worse is that she expected my actions. Talking about it only leads to a dead-end. I can't stand her shame. She hates my deception.

I didn't intend to mislead Bella. Although, I knew I was doing it all along. I just needed an out, a temporary relief from her constant sadness. It takes its toll on the ones she loves. Especially, me. I never complain because I do it willingly. I will love her forever, but I needed something that was only mine, apart from her.

Bella has built this wall. We still stay up during the night, and we still speak through the window, but she wakes herself up now; if she decides to get out of bed at all. Bella's insistent on having sex. Every time we're alone she tries, and tries, and tries. She tells me I'm scared and accuses me of not wanting her.

But that's not it at all.

I just don't know what the rush is. I touch her and kiss her. I tell her that I fucking love her every single fucking day, but it doesn't seem to be enough.

So she runs to Jake.

Bella says that Jake is her best friend. He understands her. He gets it.

I get it!

I understand her. I have since we were ten years old. What can I say? I ask her not to speak to him, but she throws Pepper Hill in my face. Bella and I love fiercely, but love isn't as simple as it used to be.

I wish I could just take Bella and sink her into me. She tells me she's getting better, but I can see it consuming her. I'll speak to her—at her. Bella will be looking right at me, but she doesn't hear a word I'm saying. Some days I take her to the backyard, behind the tree line where we used to hike when we were younger. She'll bring her radio, and we'll just sit together. Bella will be with me, but she's not close.

Dad tells me I have to keep reassuring her. She has to understand that I love her absolutely. Dad also tells me I have to be careful, that I too, can get stuck in her vortex of self-pity and shame. "It's in her head, son," he'll say.

Mom, Dad, and Alice had a heart-to-heart with me a couple of nights ago. Their faces were so severe. They said things to me like "This isn't healthy," and "She's breaking you down."

They don't understand. When has my sister ever taken responsibility for anything in her life? She gets by on my dad's bill and her stash of pot. Alice doesn't know what it means to love. To love deathly like I love Bella and she loves me. Love isn't easy. Not at all, but love is love, and Bella is all I've ever known.

I hear screaming, yelling, and shriek-snapping.

I sit up in bed and jump toward the window. Today is one of those days Bella didn't get out of bed. I've been waiting for her all day. Most days seem to consist of me waiting on her. I pull back the curtains, and my parents are already out the front door. I see Bella, barefoot and in her pajamas, grabbing at her father's shirt. She's screaming. She's crying. Mrs. Swan is right behind the two of them, and my mom holding her back while my dad tries to pacify the situation.

Alice runs into my room, yelling, "Go to her!" My heart is pounding and my stomach feels flipped. I chase after Alice, passing her at the front door. Bella is on her knees, holding on to Chief Swans legs. I fall beside her.

My dad's shouting, "Get back into the house, son."

I ignore him, holding onto my girl.

"Dad, please. Dad! No, you can't, Dad!" Bella sobs, but the Chief isn't listening.

"Bella, baby, you need to stop," I whisper into her ear. I sigh-song that I love her over and over and over. She is unresponsive until I force her fingers away from her father's leg. She clings onto me, climbing onto my lap and squeezing until I can't breathe. Bella sobs, and her tears drip down my back, onto my skin, soaking my shirt. Over and over she tells me her dad is breaking her glasses. He's so mad at her. So fed up. He's throwing them all away.

_Chaos._

I watch him throw the pieces of her broken glasses into the trash. An array of colors, broken and shattered, fall from the box. It would be pretty if the situation wasn't so ugly. I hold her. I kiss her neck and listen to her words until he Chief rips Bella from my arms and tells me.

"Go home, boy," he insists.

I run upstairs to my room, and come back down with a box of my own. A box I've had since our birthday a couple of years ago. I'm screaming, and now I'm crying. All of this for smiles when he makes her so sad. I curse the Chief, and give him back is fucking payment.

Two hundred packs of fun sized M&M's rain on his lawn.

It isn't even a fraction of what he owes me.


	27. Chapter 27

**Chapter 27**

**Edward**

**September 2000**

"I love you," she whispers.

We're an assortment of hot breath and naked limbs, and I'm not sure if shit is supposed to be like this, but I had to do something. She wants me. I can give her this. I can give her myself. I don't know what else to do.

We are behind our houses, past the tree line, but far enough back where no one can see us. We're in a small clearing. Not big enough to be considered a meadow, but large enough for Bella and I to have some space and privacy. Today isn't cold. It's sunny. It's the first time I've seen the sun on Bella's skin in over a month.

It's also our sixteenth birthday.

I kiss down her neck. I feel the fullness of her breast on my palm. I'm between her legs. Her naked center burns against my boxers. My hardness is pressed against her. She's in a hurry.

"I've been waiting so long," Bella moans, trying to get closer.

The sun warms my back. I kiss up her arms. I kiss down her side. I'm touching her, tasting her. I'm loving Bella the best I can. I'm being sweet. I'm handling her body the way she likes me to. Bella tells me I'm strong. She tells me she can feel force when I hold her. She loves the way my muscles flex. She loves it when my hair tickles her skin. "I love it when you hold me tender."

The yellow light from the day shines through her hair. Her arms are extended above her head. Bella's nipples harden. My tongue rolls over them. I bring them between my teeth. I bring them into my mouth. Bella sighs. She pulls my hair. She begs for more. Between her legs, she's soaking. Her legs shake, and her nails dig.

"More. More. More," she chants, making me laugh quietly onto her stomach. I kiss her pelvic bone before kissing her heat. Bella comes to life with more energy than I have seen in a while. Her back arches. Her leg hooks around my neck. When she screams—when I feel goose bumps spread over her body—I come back up. She holds onto me while her body quakes, saying, "I'm ready."

She loves me, and this is it.

I line myself up, running my hand up her extended arm until out fingers are interlaced. I press in gently. Bella gasps. Bella bites her bottom lip. I push in harder, and harder, and _harder. _She's crying, but promising, "Everything is okay."

My forehead falls to her shoulder. She is so good. This feels unlike anything I have ever felt. My heart is open, and Bella is falling into me. I'm sinking into her. When I'm all the way in, she inhales a sharp breath, holding me tight. I take a moment just to feel. I've never been this physically close to her. It's overwhelming. It's addicting.

Bella likes to be touched when she's not feeling well, but this is more than that. Her skin is against mine. Her heat surrounds my length. I'm _inside_ of her body. I'm experiencing her ragged breaths in my ear. I feel our love burning between us. Bella's cheeks are red. Her mouth opens for small whimpers.

"Shhhh, it's just me," I soothe her, kissing her cheek while I slowly lift out and fall back in.

The entire thing is slow, happening in snap shots: her eyes, her hair, her skin, and her touch. I slide out and stroke in. Our blanket bunches beneath our bodies. Bella's feet rub up and down the back of my calves. She holds my hand. She scratches my back.

Bella smiles.

She smiles so sweetly with closed eyes and red cheeks. Her lips are swollen from kissing and biting. My pace quickens as the burn in my stomach becomes overbearing. I lift up onto the palms of my hands. I watch her body move under my own. My head falls forward. I kiss her lips briefly. She holds onto my hips. Chills run up my arms. I'm being more forceful, strong. She's taking everything I give her.

Over and over and over, I allow my baggage to drain into the movement of my hips. This is whispers and daylight and lover's embrace. This is the beast of burden.

Tingles and feel-good shoot through my body. I fall onto my elbows, huffing and puffing, sucking in air. I pull out in time to pump myself out on to her stomach. Bella giggles. I feel like I can fucking cry.

She hasn't giggled in a long time.


	28. Chapter 28

**Chapter 28**

**Edward**

**April 2002**

"Dude, word on the street is that your girl and Jacob Black were being friendly in English today."

It's lunch, and I'm waiting for Bella, but like every other fucking day, something is holding her back. Bella isn't as odd as she used to be. Her dad broke all of her sunglasses a couple of months ago so she wears this black pair. She's still hiding, and she doesn't take them off unless she absolutely has to, but because they're black, she's more socially accepted.

Bella fucking glows; she glides and floats. She seems happy with this new attention, but I know the truth. Bella's finally been accepted by her peers, but she's as unhappy as she has ever been. Even after she smiled and giggled in the sun, nothing's changed. Bella is a constant battle.

Not everything is bad; she holds my hand and we still tell secrets, but the bad is outweighing the good. Her childhood innocence is gone, leaving me with a shameful shell.

I lift my backpack onto my shoulders. "Who the fuck told you that?"

Jasper shrugs. "Just word."

He's sympathetic. I hate his fucking sympathy.

I leave him behind, running into Pepper Hill. She asks me if I want to smoke. "You know, like old times."

Pepper Hill is gorgeous beyond belief. She makes my dick twitch, but she doesn't do anything for my heart. I pull at the ends of my hair. I'm pissed at Bella, so I agree, and together, Pepper and I walk to our old spot.

Touching the cigarette to my lips is almost as good as sex. I have a lot of that lately; it's the only way Bella and I communicate anymore. My family's accused me of becoming bitter and resentful.

Do I resent her?

Maybe.

I give her everything. She fucks it up by talking to Jacob Black. He's trouble. The rumor is they do cocaine in La Push, but Bella doesn't listen.

"Girl trouble, baby?" Pepper Hill asks, blowing smoke to the left.

I take another hit before flicking the butt out to the parking lot. "Yeah."

After lunch Bella and I have biology. She is in her seat when I walk in. I sit. She stares. Bella leans in close … too close for comfort.

"You smell like smoke," she bites.

I turn my seat and meet her head on. Bella challenges my stare. She doesn't back down. The purple under her eyes is evidence that her life isn't as fucking great as the people around here think it is. The purple under mine is evidence that I'm drowning with her.

"Jake is just a friend."

"So is Pepper Hill."

She laughs. The other students in class look at us. I try to bury myself in my class work, but Bella won't let it go. She starts to cry. She tells me that I don't love her. She cries because I don't care. "She's better than me. Pepper Hill is better for you. It's true, I can see it on your face, Edward."

Eventually, I cave. I pull her close and apologize. It's a vicious cycle that has made itself a permanent routine for months. We'll fight, and we'll love. We struggle, and battle, and literally kill each other. Bella and I have become two different people. We're not kids anymore. We do things to hurt instead of showing affection. We're conniving tricksters. We can't be trusted, but we stay together. Our parents have grown tired of us. Chief Swan has banned me from his daughter. My dad insists that I stop seeing Bella. My sister begs for mercy. A mercy I cannot even imagine giving her.

We always manage to forgive enough to avoid the inconceivable thought of splitting. That's until today after school, when Bella does the unforgivable. She breaks the last of our trust. She leaves me with no other choice.

When I see her kissing Jacob Black, I finally give her the fuck up.


	29. Chapter 29

**Chapter 29**

**Bella**

**April 2002**

I can't breathe, or see, or feel. Everything is bare. I've finally done it. I left Edward with no other choice but to hate me. He's been so enduring, so understanding, so uncomplaining. Not anymore.

My intentions were never to hurt Edward. I had no intentions at all. I don't love Jake. He's a friend, and he kissed me first. I should have stopped him. I should have told Jake no, but I didn't. I didn't stop him, and now I've broken Edward.

"Your boyfriend is looking," Jake had said. My heart fell, but if I'm being completely honest, I already knew Edward was there; I felt him.

Being around Jake is so simple. Edward hated it, but he doesn't know how good it feels to be free around someone other than him. He wouldn't understand. No, his understanding would have run dry if I ever told him those words. I know Jake and his friends are trouble. Jacob Black knows I'm sad, but he ignores it. That's the point: he doesn't treat me like I'm a bubble, flimsy and fragile. It makes ignoring his troubles easy to overlook, too. Jake and I speak on the phone almost every night before I meet Edward at the window. I know Jake well, and he isn't like his friends. But I could never tell that to Edward.

My relationship with my boyfriend has been so sporadic and unpredictable lately. His family hates me, and mine hates him. They don't hate us. They only hate us together. But I love him so much. Love is usually enough, and this wasn't intentional.

Now I look at Edward's face. My heart shatters and falls to the ground. I can feel the darkness surround me. I wish so badly I could make it go away, but I can't. _I can't make this go away_. Any of it. I can't fix my brain. Even though I fuck everything up because of it. So I stand here with cold blood and hard skin, looking into the eyes of the one person I love more than myself. I can feel his disappointment and heartache.

Can he feel mine?

Does he even care?

I'm so ashamed.

"You wound me. You have wounded me, Bella," Edward whispers before turning his back on me.

My tears fall, and I don't bother to stop them. They're a permanent fixture. I'm always crying … but this time _I am crying_. I'm crying because my heart hurts and my blood is thick. Oh, I hate myself for this. My lips burn from the kiss of somebody wrong. The bond between Edward and me stretches so tight it threatens to snap. I want to pull it back. I'm calling for him, but Jake is rocking me steady. Edward continues to walk, extending our tie until it finally breaks. Just like that, everything collapses and darkness consumes.

"Jake, let me go!" I scream, hating his hands. I hate his hold, and his lips, and his touch.

I run, but Edward's out of sight.

I run all the way home, as fast as my feet will carry me. Tears run down my face, fall over my lips, and blur my vision. By the time I reach his house my lips are purple and my hair is stuck to my face. I pound, pound, pound, but no one answers. So I pound, pound, pound some more. My knuckles split and bleed.

"Edward, please," I beg, cry, and scream.

He ignores, declines, and refuses.

I run toward the side of the house. Alice chases after me. "Bella, stop!"

I can't. I can't fucking stop. Edward storms out of the back door, disregarding me entirely. He heads toward the shed he built with the help of my father last year. He grabs the sledge hammer. I'm asking him to listen. Maybe if he listens, he'll forgive me.

Edward shakes me off of his arm. Alice is running toward my house, screaming for my dad.

"As you're falling, my heart beats the same," Edward whispers with puffy red eyes. He walks past me.

I pull on his sweater and dig my feet into the driveway. Edward stops where we pressed our hands into my dad's wet cement. Where we committed our love permanently—two hands and a heart.

He smashes it.

"No!" I scream, watching him ruin our cement.

I grab at his back, but he pushes me away. He hits our heart again. The concrete breaks, splinters, and shatters.

"Now I'm screaming, can you forgive me? I treated you badly, but I'm still here!" My words are sob-torn and cry-ripped, but it isn't working. Begging isn't working. I'm on my knees, pleading. Surrendering.

He laughs. "Now you wish you meant something." He hits our hands with the hammer. "Now you mean something to somebody else."


	30. Chapter 30

**Chapter 30**

**Edward**

**April 2002**

I'm crying, she breaks me. It's not easy to turn my back. "I miss everything about you. I can't believe that I still want you. I miss everything about you."

But I have to.

Bella sighs.

I look at her through the window. Her forehead is pressed to the glass. She looks anywhere but at me.

"This is how it ends," I say as my heart crackle-shatters.

"Go on. Go on and break my heart." Bella says softly, weeping.

"This is how it hurts. This is how it feels to fall. That's the way it is. We live and love through walls." My heart. It hurts so badly.

Rain falls between our windows. I can't see her face distort as she cries, but I can hear her over the phone. It's a pain I've never felt.

"I've never known the feeling," she sobs.

"And it's your fault we have to," I answer, giving her all of the blame.

"Stay with me," she pleads.

"I can't."

"I love you, and I need you. You have to stay."

"I can't."

"You can."

"I can't. Not anymore." I hang up the phone. I watch Bella throw her's across the room.

I shut my blinds, unable to breathe, or walk, or talk. I take the stairs down to the living room, and head out the back door. Last year Chief Swan helped me build a skate ramp in the backyard. It doesn't take much effort to remove a piece of ply wood; I have so much effort to give now.

I carry the wood upstairs. I have the nails in my mouth and the hammer in my pocket. My mom questions me. I slam the door in her face. With one nail at a time, I seal off my window. My room becomes dark, but I don't stop nailing.

Over and over and over, I hit the nails into the wood, into the wall. When it's up, I sit on my bed and bury my face into my hands. My sister comes in. She holds me in her arms and promises, "Everything will be okay."

"Give it time," she says.

I don't believe her. My bleeding heart tells me that she is lying. How can I ever recover from this? Bella is all I have ever known.

"You are lost, but not for long," Alice soothes. "It hurts so much to see you cry. You have to stop. Edward, you have to stop."

My tears fall down onto her jeans.

"Slow down. Keep it at a steady pace. It will fade away. I promise. God, do I promise."

I hold myself together while my sister enforces a barricade with her small arms. I've cried _for _Bella, but I've never cried _because _of her. I don't know what to do without her. "I'm leaving her. I'm not sure if that's what I should do. It hurts so badly. I want her, but I can't go back."

Alice wipes my face clean from tears. The same tears that shimmer her green eyes. "It's time you figure out what's going on inside of you. Something's wrong with Bella, and you're not able to help her any longer."

"I'm so in love with her."

Alice runs her hand through my hair, lying beside me, staying close in my dark room. "She's never out of mind. It's just time for some space."

"Sometimes I think I'm going crazy. That's how she makes me," I admit. "I'm not good for her anymore."


	31. Chapter 31

**Chapter 31**

**Bella**

**May 2002**

They call us renegades because we liked living crazy.

Everything _was_ crazy; it's just fucked now. It took a total of fourteen days before he made Pepper Hill his girlfriend. Like he forgot we loved at all. Edward ignores me. His window's boarded up and he won't accept my calls. I tried to speak to him at school, but nothing worked.

I'm lonely.

Despite waiting a total of seventeen days before becoming Jacob Black's girlfriend, it's all wrong. For my parents' sake, I wake up every morning and brush my hair. I hide my face behind a huge pair of black sunglasses. I cry myself to sleep. I wake up and rub ice cubes under my eyes to lessen the swelling. I hate to hurt them. They're innocents. The less they know about my inner turmoil the better.

Ice cubes don't stop the hurt in my chest, though. It's like a hole has embedded itself in the center of my heart. It throbs, and it bleeds. It screams and fights and begs, begs, begs for me to get him back. Edward's the missing section. Edward's also unattainable.

I see him at school. We pass in the halls like we mean nothing at all. He isn't shy about showing his affection for Pepper. He's smug, and he is bold. Rosalie Hale promises he does it to hurt me. She's been a better friend than I deserve. She says we've been friends since always, didn't I know?

I only knew Edward.

It's in his face and in his walk; his ability to shelve his feelings and move on. I wish I was as cold as him. I wish I could walk hand in hand with Jake, right past him. I wish I could smell him and be okay. Truth is, I can't. Every day I walk past Edward and his force moves with me. His smell engulfs me, burning my heart all over again.

I catch him sometimes, looking at me with sad eyes. Sad, broken eyes. Those days are the worst.

"We're still on for prom, right?" Jake asks, pushing my glasses up on my head. I clear my throat and rip my eyes away from Edward. I don't want to lose his face.

"Yeah." I look at Jake. He isn't all bad. He's some good. Not as good as what I had, but it's better than being alone.

He's watching Edward. Jake hates him. Edward has Pepper Hill up against his locker. His hand are on her face, and his lips are hovering right above hers.

I know those lips by heart; I remember every touch and every argument. I fucked things up so badly. It's the reason I still leave my window open.

.

.

.

"Why do you keep calling?"

"I don't know."

"Well, stop."

"I can't."

"My mom is getting mad."

"I can't stop calling."

He sighs. "Are you going to the prom?"

"Yeah."

"With him?"

"Yeah."

"Sometimes I wish you were invisible. I wouldn't have to see you or love you."

"You can't say that, Edward. She won't love you like I do."

He groans, "How are you doing?"

"Bad. I'm doing so badly. I belong to you. You make it hard to see."

Edward's crying. He doesn't want me to know. I'm crying too. I'm so sorry.

"Edward, please don't cry. Please, please, please don't. Stop, I can't take it."

He clears is throat. His words sting. "I feel like letting go."


	32. Chapter 32

**Chapter 32**

**Edward**

**May 2002**

"Dude, what the fuck are you doing?"

I hold up the corsage and lift my eyebrows. "Buying Pepper's flower."

Emmett nods, not satisfied with my answer. "I'm not asking about the fucking flower, Edward. What are you doing with Pepper Hill?"

I shrug and hand the cashier my credit card. "She's my girl. We're going to prom."

Outside, I light a cigarette and blow the smoke into the cold air. Emmett is still looking at me. He's waiting for a response he isn't going to find.

"This is wrong. Bella fucked up, but Rose says he kissed her first."

I flick my cigarette into the street. "So that makes it okay?"

"No, but you're not happy. Bella's our best friend. You can't just give up."

I laugh before walking back toward my Volvo. "You don't even know what you're talking about, Emmett."

"I know Bella's sick. I know that you two kept it a fucking secret. I know that it killed your relationship. I know she tried cocaine with Jacob Black. I know she called Rosalie right after, and I know she cried all fucking night long. That much I know."

I take a deep breath. Bella tried cocaine with Jake?

I shake the thought from my head.

_It's__ not my problem anymore_.

After we get back into the car, I say, "You don't even like Bella."

Emmett scoffs. "Bro, what the fuck are you talking about? She's been our friend since we were kids."

"All of a sudden?"

"Fuck you. You're wrong in all of this, Edward. She fucked up, but she's sorry. Jake is no good. She needs you."

.

.

.

I pull Bella to the side. I have to yell in her ear over the music. We're at prom. "You're doing coke?"

She pulls her arm away from my grasp. "Why do you care? You don't want me, remember?"

I'm looking at her. She's glaring. Bella looks beautiful tonight. So beautiful she makes my knees weak. I have a body full of regret, but my bones are full of resentment. "I care, Bella."

She pushes me away from her, and the tears instant. "You care? Now you care?"

"Bella, don't," I plead, not wanting to cause a scene.

Jake shows up behind her. I want to kill him for putting hands on my girl. "Problem?" he confronts.

We're toe-to-toe. "I'll fucking kill you." I swear it. I swear I fucking will.

Jake laughs in my face. Bella's crying. She holds his hand and avoids me.

"She doesn't want you, Edward," he tells me.

He says this just when I thought I couldn't hurt any more than I already did. Jake takes Bella, and together they walk away. He's taking my life with him. I'm left standing alone in a room full of people.

I'm aware of her all night. I sit at a table with my girl and best friends. I'm here with Pepper, but it's Bella I feel. My jacket is lost. My sleeves are rolled up. My tie is loose. I get drunk drinking vodka Jasper brought in. I drink to the point of oblivion. I drink until I can't feel anything. I drink until Emmett has to carry me away as they call Bella and Jacob Black for prom king and queen.

I drink until I'm incoherent, and cussing, and causing a scene while Bella stands next to her guy. I laugh while they dance, and I fight off Chief Swan when he tries to help me out the door.

"Don't ruin this for her, boy," he pleads. His eyes look so sad, kind of like my own.

I'm outside, but the air doesn't do shit. I laugh at Charlie. I degrade his profession and his ability as a father. "You're a fucking half-ass cop, and you're a worse father. Chaperoning a high school prom ... get the fuck out of here."

I laugh, and laugh, and laugh, until I cry.

Until he hugs me.

Chief Swan takes me home. We sits in his car until the sun comes up.


	33. Chapter 33

**Chapter 33**

**Bella**

**June 2002**

"Yeah, I love my lady." Emmett pops his head between Rosalie and me from the backseat of the car.

"Yeah, I love my boy," she counters. It's so sweet, it's gross.

We graduated high school today. I walked with Jake, and had to sit through watching Edward walk with Pepper Hill. It's experiences like these that hurt the most. I hated being crowned prom queen without him. It wasn't anything I expected. Last year I was a social outcast, and this year everyone knows me.

I don't even know who I am.

"You know Edward will be at Jasper's, right?" Rose turns the stereo down. I'm aware of their predicament: the in-betweens.

"I know," I say, keeping myself calm.

I've been trying to be a better person. If I can improve myself, he might want me again. My shrink disagrees. She says that controlling my depression should be a personal goal. Treatment is pointless if I'm not doing it for myself.

Is "_Edward_" an action word?

.

.

Jake wasn't invited to the party. This isn't is circle of friends. We fought before Rose and Em picked me up. Jacob knew Edward would be here. "Don't go, Bella," he said. But this _is_ my circle of friends.

Jake decided he didn't care if he wasn't invited. He showed up anyway. No one says a word because everyone knows that the rez boys are trouble.

Edward avoids me, but I smile. His arm is slung over Pepper's shoulders. She's as pretty as ever, with long blonde hair and flawless skin. They look perfect together, in their gross perfection.

I hold onto Jake for support.

As the night goes on, my rez boy gets high, and Edward's really drunk. High Jake and drunk Edward don't mix well. Their snide remarks and mean comments go back and forth until it finally blows up. They're in each other's faces. Jasper and Emmett are trying to diffuse the situation. They're met with restriction from Embry and Sam.

I'm between, but Edward pushes me away.

"Edward, please just calm down," I whisper, hating the anger.

"Calm down? Fuck you, Bella," he spits. "I don't even know who you are anymore. Did you really chose this guy over me? Me!"

Everything after that goes by so, so fast. Jake punches Edward. Edward falls. Edward hits Jake in the mouth. They go for blows. They're both bleeding. Everyone is shouting. Jasper is holding me back while Jake and Edward break his home. Pepper is screaming.

I tell her to shut up. "Just shut the fuck up!"

Edward gets hit in the stomach. He's bent over. He looks up, right at me. I cry for Jake to stop. "Please! Please stop!"

Murderous screams.

Edward closes his eyes right before Jake kicks him in the face. I cry for Rose to call my dad. My head is light and my hands are tingling. Emmett tries to help, but Jake's friends knock him back. Edward's on the floor, curled into a ball. These troublesome rez boys are kicking him.

I'm clawing, and fighting, and struggling to get to him. I pull on Jake's clothes. My yells fall on deaf ears. Edward isn't moving, but they're still beating.

Jasper and Emmett are finally able to jump in. Blue and red lights shine through the window. Jake and his friends bolt. He tries to bring me with him. I scream in his face and drop to my knees. I grab a hold of Edward's foot and climb up his body. He's coughing, he's bleeding, and he's telling me to get the fuck away.

Pepper pushes me back. Edward tells her that he's okay. My dad walks in. I tell him it's Edward.

His voice is deep. His voice is commanding. "Go home, Bella."

I can't move. Edward's hurt. All of my effort and all of my trying is over. Just like that, I give up on myself.


	34. Chapter 34

**Chapter 34**

**Edward**

**October 2002**

"Dad said Bella had a pretty bad panic attack last night. Chief Swan's taking some time off of work to stay home with her."

My sister stands in the entryway. She's twenty-three years old and still deciding what she wants to do with her life. My grades were good enough to go to college. The only problem is I didn't apply. It's been the root cause of many arguments between my dad and me. How do I explain to him that I'm afraid to leave her behind?

"Why are you telling me this?" I ask, pouring orange juice into a cup.

Her tone is aggressive. "I don't know. I thought you might want to know."

It's hard when my family loves her as much as I do. They didn't appreciate the turn our relationship took, but our families are close. They still care. I still care. I only act like I don't for the sake of sanity. My window is remains boarded up. I'm not forced to see her at school anymore, but I still fucking care.

"Alright," I say quickly. I feel bad. I'm not treating my family well, but I'm not well. I'm still taking it day by day. I'm trying to cope. They come to me with her stories and her conditions. What do they expect me to do? Run over there and somehow save her? I couldn't before, and I won't now.

"Edward, you owe Bella some of your time," Alice snaps, conflict thickly laced in her voice. "I know she hurt you, but this is larger than that now. She's not doing well at all."

"You have no idea how she hurt me, Alice."

The radical in my sister is gone. She doesn't smoke anymore. She got a job at the diner. She even takes a few online classes at the junior college. Her hair isn't dirty or three different colors. Alice no longer follows rock bands all over the country. She's finally growing up, and her maturity is apparent. For the first time in my life, I feel her judgment and her disappointment.

"Fine." She moves to walk away before continuing, "Oh, and Pepper called." Alice grabs her keys off of the counter. Her fingernails are still bitten short and ten different colors. It makes me smile. "I have work, and Mom and Dad won't be home tonight. Can you hang here alone until I get home?"

I smirk and arch an eyebrow. "I am eighteen, Al."

She kisses my cheek and drinks my orange juice. "I know, but I worry."

In the time between Alice leaving and Pepper arriving, I stared at the plywood covering my window. I just fucking stared. Pepper must have let herself in because the next thing I know she's on my lap, kissing my mouth. I'm still angry and hurt about the party ... about it all. Pepper tells me to let it go. She grabs my cock and sucks on my lips. Her forceful behavior feels good. Better than anything I've felt since April.

I hold her hands behind her back. I kiss down her neck and over her chest. I flip her onto her back. She laughs. She encourages me to do it harder. My hands are up her stomach and over her ribs. Her shirt is off. Her bra is off. I've seen Pepper's tits before. We haven't had sex, but we've fucked around. Each time feels worse than the time before.

This isn't any different.

I don't waste any time on the kissing and the loving. Her pants are off. My jeans are down at my knees. My dick is wrapped. I thrust into her harshly. She screams, but she tells me to keep going. I pound into her again and again. I hate her body. Pepper isn't warm like Bella. Her center is freezing cold. Her skin isn't soft. She's too skinny. I can feel every bone. Pepper doesn't giggle. She fucking instigates.

I bury my face into the pillow beside her head. I lift my hips all the way out before dropping back in. She's biting my shoulder. Pepper whispers that she loves me. It's all fucking wrong. When I come, it's not pleasurable. It's undignified and excruciating.

I pull out right away, tossing the used condom into the trash. I zip up my pants and straighten my shirt. I tell Pepper to get dressed. "I'm sorry, but get the fuck out."

She cries, but it does nothing for me. They're tears falling from the wrong eyes.

Before she leaves, Pepper Hill tells me that Bella doesn't want me. "Your Bella's with Jacob Black."

I already know.

When Pepper leaves, the first thing I do is take the wood down from my window.


	35. Chapter 35

**Chapter 35**

**Bella**

**January 2003**

"Bella, get up." My mom pulls the covers off of my body. She opens my curtains, and she hums while she picks up the dirty clothes off of my floor. "You're not staying in bed all day again, baby. Get up."

I groan into my pillow. If it were that easy, I'd get up every day. My muscles hurt, and my head pounds. My bones ache, and my heart is almost non-existent. What is so hard for them to understand? I physically cannot get myself up. I can't be productive.

"Mom, please stop."

My room is lit with the pale gray light from outside. The rain is soothing, though. If she'd just leave me here, maybe I could get some more sleep and feel better in a couple of hours. _Maybe._

"Bella, get up."

Anger and sadness spark automatically. I begin to cry. I ask her just to leave me alone. She threatens to take me back to the ER. She'll call my dad. "He just went back to work last week, Bella. Don't make me call him, because I will."

She's tugging on my leg. I'm trying not to scream at her. "Mom, I can't, okay. I can't."

I'm gasping for air. She's crying and frustrated. I want to crawl into myself. I would die. I would. I would fucking die if it wasn't for Edward. He's who I live for. Since I can't, and I won't, I just need to sleep. I need to be asleep because being awake is too hard.

Mom is holding my face in her hands. "Is nothing helping, Bella? You can't live like this."

My entire body is tingling; my lungs are grunting and wailing. She'll give up. She always does. I'm too much to handle. I wish I could ask her to stay, but all I want to do is sleep.

"Please, Mom," I cry, pulling on her arm. I can feel my face becoming blotchy. My feet are kicking and the hole in my chest is throbbing.

Mom is kissing my face, wiping my tears away. "Tell me what to do, baby. Tell me how to fix this."

I think about Edward. I haven't seen him in so long. I miss his face, and his toes, and his hands. I miss when we were kids and everything was so carefree. I miss his laugh and his love. I miss his arms and his strength. I miss him between my legs and all around my body. I miss his presence and his conscience. I long for his kindness and his caring. I miss him so fucking much it hurts. So I cry, and I fight, and I scream until my mom leaves my room and shuts the door.

My room is still lit. I pull the covers over my head to block the light. The panic has not settled; it's still raging and alive in my chest. I bite my pillow and kick my feet. The sounds coming from my body can be heard throughout the house. I hate it. I hate myself for this.

Slowly but surely the pills I chewed start to take their effect. My body calms and my breathing regulates. Slowly, I fall into a slumber. I take deep breaths. My eyes drift from open to close. They burn when shut, causing more tears to fall. My jaw hurts from biting down so hard. I grind my teeth. The pills eventually take the pain away. My entire body relaxes. My arms fall lazily, and my feet finally stop kicking.

I'm unable to keep my eyes open. They shut, and they stay that way. I feel warm and safe under my blankets. The rhythm of my breathing puts me in a hypnotic state, slowly, steadily until I fall into the darkness. Even in my sleep I can feel his void. In the blackness of unconsciousness, I miss him so much.

Tomorrow I will try. Tomorrow will be better. For now, I need to just sleep.


	36. Chapter 36

**Chapter 36**

**Edward**

**April 2003**

"Bella is here. Just come. It won't be weird. It won't be odd. She looks better. Just come. I swear it won't be difficult." Emmett sounds hopeful. He and Rosalie are having a small get together.

I knew she'd be there. It's why I didn't plan on going. It's also why I changed my plans.

"Okay," I say into the phone.

Other than what my parents tell me, I haven't heard much about Bella. I know she's started therapy again. She's been trying harder. She got a part time job at the grocery store. She hangs out with Rosalie when she can.

Despite living in a town this small, we don't run into each other. I started taking some classes at the junior college in Port Angeles to pass the time. My dad still wants me to attend a university. I'm not ready, but I'm almost there.

I'm driving up to Rosalie Hale's house. A small get together turns out to be a full blown party. Cars crowd the street and the sound of music fills the cold air. I smoke a cigarette to calm my nerves. My hood is up and my head is down.

She's here. She's the first person I see. I remember when it was just me and her. I think back to our first kiss. The sound of her voice echoes in my ears. The scent of her perfume fills the room. It's painful to see Bella. It's more hurtful when she sees me.

"Hey," I whisper, kissing her cheek.

She pushes her hair behind her ear. "Hi."

Bella doesn't wear her sunglasses anymore. She doesn't draw peace signs and hearts on her cheeks, either. She's grown. She's beautiful. Her exhaustion is apparent, though. She takes my hand easily. Bella follows me into a vacant room. We're staring at each other. We're kissing, and it's so fucking bitter sweet. I groan into her mouth. Her lips are soft. Her mouth is hot like summer. Emotion purges. We're rough, and harsh, and hurtful with our movements.

Bella pulls my hair. she breathes bitterly.

I lift her onto a dresser, pushing up her skirt up to her waist. I can't look into her eyes. We shouldn't do this, but I've missed her so much. I allow my body do the talking. My fingernails scratch down the sides of her thighs. I push her underwear to the side.

Bella pulls off my sweater. Breathing though clenched teeth, she unbuckles my belt. I expose her shoulder, and kiss her heated skin. Bella sighs. I grip behind her knees and pull her to the edge of the dresser. Her ass makes a screeching noise on the glossed wood. I kiss her mouth. Her center begs to be touched.

Her head falls back, opening up her neck.

With my length lined up, I push into her hard and forcefully. To be surrounded by Bella again is to die a happy and unfair death. My eyes clench closed, and I hide my face in her hair. Her arms are around my neck. Her legs are wrapped around my waist. She cries my name over and over and over. She screams.

"Do you feel me now?" I groan, pulling out and slamming back in.

She holds on as I thrust and stroke, powerfully. Bella pulls the desperate out of me. Her breathing is erratic and her hold is strong. This is us after almost a year: as fucked up as ever. When I feel the burn, I push in deeper. I never want to finish. Bella's body clenches around me.

"More. More. More," she begs.

The dresser hits the wall with a slam, slam, slam. We come together. She whispers my name and curses her love. The high is gone. All that is left is us. We're thoroughly fucked, and thoroughly unhappy. I empty into her body. The last of my thrusts are weaker.

"I'm sorry," I whisper. I pull out, but I don't move away.

She's breathing, gasping.

I punch the wall behind her. "Fuck!"

Bella flinches. She pushes me away. I can see myself flowing out of her center. She closes her legs and jumps down from the dresser. Bella leaves without a word, stumbling on her way out.

.

.

.

**HisSinger1 allowed me to use some of her original poetry in this chapter. **


	37. Chapter 37

**Chapter 37**

**Edward**

**September 2003**

I've spent the last few months trying to figure out _exactly_ where everything went wrong. I wonder what I could have done differently. I question if any of this bullshit can be fixed.

I miss the days when we were kids. Young love is so untouchable.

I miss how simplistic shit used to be. When Bella would ride on my handle bars, or when she would get excited about a new pair of sunglasses. We used to play until the street lights came on, and we would cry when we had to eat dinner. I miss building jumps with Emmett and Jasper. I miss hanging with my friends without having a care in the fucking world.

_I miss Bella_.

I'm going to college. I've wasted enough time here. Working at the lumber yard with Jasper is not what I want to do with my life. It's good for him because he's that type of person. He has a rough, nitty-gritty type of personality.

Emmett and Rosalie Hale left for college the summer after high school ended. They're excited I'll be in Seattle soon.

My sister will miss me, but she's a lot like Jasper. She wasn't made for college. Alice will live in Forks until the day she dies. She'll open up an antique store, or remain to be the nosy fucking waitress at the diner. One day she'll have kids, and she'll smoke weed in the backyard while they're sleeping.

I've struggled with the decision to leave for most of the summer. Some days I'm determined. Others, I refuse the notion.

My _heart_ is in Forks.

Dad did a lot of threatening. He threatened to take my car. He threatened my stability at home. He threatened not to pay for school at all. When none of that worked, he started convincing. "Do you want her back, son? If you get her back, then what? You'll have nothing, son."

Using Bella as an excuse makes the decision easier to swallow. I haven't seen or spoken to her since the night of Emmett and Rosalie Hale's party. I've been too ashamed. The way I treated her is sickening.

I fucked her, literally and hypothetically.

I took advantage of her trust, and fucked her on a dresser. Then I allowed her to walk away from me. I didn't take the time to call her the next day, and I didn't walk over to her house to explain how fucking sorry I was. I didn't tell Bella that I love her to death. I didn't tell her that she is in my blood, and in the air, and in my dreams … in my fucking soul.

Chief Swan pulled me over last week for no apparent reason other than to talk. "You never come over anymore, boy," he said. His mustache is as strong as it ever was. "I thought we were friends too, boy."

That made us both laugh, but looking at him was like looking at her. I could only do it for so long before the ache in my chest numbed the rest.

"Don't be a stranger, boy," he said before I drove away.

My room is mostly packed. I look over at her house. My chest is a gaping hole. I'm tired of being without her. Bella is all I have, all I want. She is all I have ever wanted since I was ten years old.

I take another hit from the cigarette of a habit I can't kick before I drop the butt to the floor and snub it out with my shoe. I take a deep breath, and with one step at a time, I go to her.

That's what I do. It's what I've always done.

For her, I would stay awake forever.


	38. Chapter 38

**Chapter Song; Elton John-Tiny Dancer (please, please listen while you read!)**

**Chapter 38**

**Edward**

**September 2003**

"She's in the back, Edward."

"Thank you, Mrs. Swan."

I pass between our houses, and step through the wet grass in her backyard. Bella's rollerblades, old and dirty, still lie on the back porch. A smashed slab of concrete, with our hands and our heart, lies beneath it.

I don't have to go far. I know where she is. I step through the tree line, and she is there. I stand against an oak trunk, crossing my arms. I smile while I watch her. Her old radio still works; it plays _Tiny Dancer_. Bella's hair has gotten so long, left down and naturally curly. In a white sundress and bare feet, she dances by herself ... _looking on, she sings the song_. The words she knows, the tune she hums. Bella spins, and her toes twirl in the mud.

_Ballerina, you must have seen her, dancing in the sand._

I move away from my spot on the tree. I sit in the dirt beside where she dances. Bella sees me. She smiles, but she doesn't stop twirling. Her hair floats around her head, and her dress fans in the air. She has mud between her toes. Bella's pink toenail polish chips in the sticks and leaves.

While I'm watching, it's easy to remember why I love her. It's simple to recall how uncomplicated that love really is. She's so young, so pure and unguided, in the best ways. Bella always brought the good out in me. She makes me smile. She makes my skin rise and my heart skip a beat.

She was born for me to love.

Bella needs taking care of.

She sits next to me and wipes the dirt off of her feet. She smiles, and while there are so many fucking words and explanations that need to be said, none of it is really important right now.

I wrap my arms around her. The music plays. I sing softly, slowly, "Hold me closer tiny dancer. Count the headlights on the highway." Bella's eyes close, and her arms hold onto mine. She starts to cry. I wipe her tears away. "And now she's in me, always with me. Tiny dancer in my hand."

"Edward," Bella whispers. "Sometimes I'm just sad."

"That's okay."

She is so small. So tiny. "I don't know how to fix it."

"I'll help you," I say.

Rising to my feet, Bella looks up at me. I offer my girl a hand; she takes it. I wipe the tears from her face for a second time. I push the dirt off of her dress, and with her hand in mine, I lead her out of the woods. She follows quietly. I don't look back as we walk through her wet lawn, up to her porch. I don't look when I open the door and step inside of her house, or when we take the steps up to her room. I pull back the comforter on her bed, Bella slips in, and I tuck the blankets in around her.

The gems are still next to her bed.

I close Bella's bedroom door and take off my shoes and jacket. I get in bed behind, pushing all of her hair off her neck and kissing her temple. I hold her body against mine.

There aren't many words for the mending of two broken hearts. It just is. We lie in the dark, in the middle of the day, making silent promises and voiceless convictions. She holds my hand, and she kisses my wrist. Bella cries and sleeps. The entire day passes without saying a single word. Mrs. Swan checks in on us, but she closes the door right away.

It isn't until sometime around midnight when Bella speaks, and her words make me smirk.

"Happy Birthday, Edward."


	39. Chapter 39

**Chapter 39**

**Edward**

**September 2003**

It's three in the morning on September Thirteenth. Bella and I are nineteen years old today.

She's sleeping, but not entirely sound. The tension is evident in the grip she has around my body. Our legs are knotted, and her hands are fisted into the back of my shirt. Bella sleeps with her face in my neck. Her teeth grind and her eyebrows scrunch.

I heard the Chief come home about an hour ago. He peeked into the room and sighed when he saw us in bed together. I left my eyes closed; I'll deal with his stupid fucking rules in the morning. I have a feeling he'll understand, though. His sigh was warm and perceptive.

I've watched the clock next to Bella's bed all night. While each minute passes, I feel content being together. I'm going over what I want to say, show, and act. It's my turn to convince. I'll beg if I have to. I forgive Bella for Jake; it's inconsequential and irrelevant. I've acted less than worthy, too. Bella hurt me, but we were young, and I should have been more understanding. I should have been more receptive to _our_ needs.

Each other.

The actual thought of having to move away from Forks without her grabs a hold of my soul, squeezes, and makes me beg for clemency. I fist my hand and place it on my forehead. I feel like I can't breathe. The room pulsates; every ounce of blood I contain rushes to my heart, pouring into the hole that's been there since our split.

I swing my feet off of the bed and run my hands through my hair.

She is behind me. Her hands are circling around my shoulders. She's kissing the side of my neck. I want to apologize for waking her up, but Bella turns my head and kisses my lips before I have a chance. She pulls me down on top of her. Her hands are between us. Bella unbuckles my pants.

I'm panting, gasping … unsure.

Her lips are at me ear. "No man should have all this power."

I've always imagined this being sweet. I always thought that if Bella and I ever worked things out, and we had sex again, it would be slow. I feel anything but calm, sweet, and slow at the moment. I feel impulsive and panicked. I need her now.

I allow her to unbuckle my pants. I grip her chin and kiss her mouth. I tell Bella I love her between dirty kisses. "I fucking love you hard."

My pants are at my knees. Bella's underwear are moved over. The top to her dress is down. I'm in her fluidly; not wasting a moment. I'm fast, thrusting and stroking. I go as deep as I can. I pull out and pound back in. The bed frame shakes. We're not being quiet. It's harsh, but not like Rosalie Hale's house with the dresser. This is reconnecting.

Bella's eyes roll. Her head tips back. Her hands dig into my hips. My tongue rolls over her nipple. She bites her lip to keep quiet. Bella pulls my hair. She scratches down my back.

"You're killing me," I whisper.

Every bad feeling and hurt emotion is being torn away; it's so fucking painful.

Bella smiles right before her body clings to me. "A beautiful death."

Bella reaches up and back, holding onto her iron rod headboard. I'm in her, stroking and taking. I feel her come and it's the sweetest thing, bitter empathy. My forehead drops to her erratic chest, and I come through clenched teeth with a sob and a moan. Bella's arms circle around my head. My arms hook around her body.

Riding out the waves, things slow. I finish, feeling exhausted but comfortable. Bella takes off her dress and her panties, cleaning herself with them. She's on her knees in front of me, kissing my cheek. She wipes the wetness from my eyes. She helps me take off my shirt. Next are my pants, boxers, and socks.

She climbs onto my lap. I'm not hard, but this isn't for that. Bella touches my face, and she kisses my lips. She runs her fingers through my hair and plays with my ears.

"Don't leave me again," she whispers.

"I'm letting everything go," I say.

Only minutes pass before I'm inside of her again. This time she whispers my name with her head is tipped back.

I love it when her hair sweeps across my knees.


	40. Chapter 40

**This is still their birthday; the next day after Bella danced in the woods.**

**Chapter 40**

**September 2003**

**Bella**

"I'm going away, Bella."

I close my eyes and take a deep breath; I take ten.

"But I only just got you back," I whisper.

Sometimes a heart will tickle because you're in love, or you're nervous. My mom chews on the ends of her hair when she thinks too deeply, I bite my nails, and Edward runs his hand through his hair relentlessly. They're called twitches. I have a twitch, and it's a tickle. My problem is that my tickle will become my doom and consume.

Fucking tickle-twitch in my chest.

Edward lies his head on my bare stomach. His fingers run up and down my thigh. It's five in the morning; a dim light is beginning to seep through my curtains.

"Bella, are you happy?" Edward asks, kissing my belly button.

"Yes."

He smirks, kissing over my hip bone. "That's just the saddest lie."

Covering my eyes, pretending I'm invisible, I tell Edward everything. I explain to him my sadness.

"It eats me alive." and "I've got some issues that nobody can see." I cry, and I apologize for everything. For Jake, for our childhood, for the purple under his eyes, and for the purple under all of their eyes.

"My parents almost got divorced. I thought I couldn't feel any lower," I tell.

I speak about the time I tried cocaine, and how I begged for ignorance and unawareness "I had sex with Jake" and "I never meant to hurt you."

I cry, and he cries, but he listens so well. Edward has always been the best listener. His feelings are hurt, simple as that, but he's still here because that's just him.

"I've reached this point, Edward, where I don't know what to do anymore. I can't fix this." I point to my heart and to my head. "I try. I breathe. I count to ten. I've taken the pills and read the books, but my life is still dark and sad. I zone out until I can't remember. I hurt … I want to find peace."

He lies beside me with his hand permanently placed in his hair. "I fucked Pepper Hill," and "I didn't do it to hurt you."

Listening to him explain his own turbulence is the hardest thing I've ever had to endure. My elbows hurt, my joints. I want the room to be dark. I want to sleep.

"You're going to listen to me, Bella, please."

_I can't breathe._

I look at him, and he's smirking. Edward's smirk is so fucking beautifully beautiful that it takes everything away.

Edward shrugs. "If you give up Forks, I'll give you Seattle."

Blinking, blinking, blinking … dark fading some, light spreading some.

More smirking.

"I don't know what the hell any of this means, B, but I know I love you. I know we can't be away from each other."

Blinking and smirking and smiling.

"Come with me."


	41. Chapter 41

**It's still their birthday.**

**Chapter 41**

**September 2003**

**Edward**

"You have sex hair."

I slip back into my jacket after trying to "un-sex" my hair. "Your dad is going to murder me on principle alone. Fuck the sex hair."

Bella sticks her bare feet into a pair of beat up sweats. I help her put her bra on and pull a shirt over her head. She blows stray hairs out of her face, running her fingers through it.

"Ready?" I ask, taking her hand.

"I'm ready."

We waited until nine to get out of bed. Charlie walked by the door more than once. He was listening to us talk until Mrs. Swan told him to leave us the hell alone.

Hand in hand, Bella and I go down stairs. It's Sunday, and Chief Swan is in his typical setting of football, beer, and pepperoni pizza. Bella's mom is reading a book, sitting beside him.

I clear my throat, ready to grab Bella and run if I have to.

"What are you doing here, boy? Did you forget my rules in your absence, boy?" He drinks his beer and grabs his shotgun. "Do you need to be reminded, boy?"

I pull Bella behind me and head for the door.

Bella shrieks, but Charlie and Mrs. Swan laugh. My girl's father puts the gun down and invites us to sit down with him.

"Did I scare you, boy? Don't be such a pussy, Edward."

_Did he just call me Edward?_

I sit, bringing eternity down beside me. I notice Renee's book is about adolescent depression as Chief Swan offers me a beer. I think of it as a test and decline. He calls me a pussy again.

"What's going on, Bella?" her mom asks, closing her hardcover.

Bella looks absolutely terrified. She stumbles and trips over words, biting her nails and blushing.

"Chief Swan, I'm moving to Seattle next week, and I want Bella to come with me." I clear my throat. "Please."

He chokes and coughs. Mrs. Swan shakes her head over and over. Bella starts to cry, and I sigh, really loudly.

"I'm only asking out of respect, Chief Swan. Bella and I are nineteen, and if she wants to leave she can. But I don't want it to be like that. I don't want to leave like that."

His face turns three different shades of red before ultimately turning purple. "Seattle? She can't be alone."

"She won't be."

He shakes his head, drinking his beer in one long chug. He looks at Bella. She's still crying. "You're my baby, I worry about you."

"I know, Dad, and I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. There's nothing to be sorry about." Chief Swan asks Bella if she wants to go with me. "After everything?"

Bella agrees. "I love him, Dad."

He asks me about my plans and about school. I tell him that I have a one bedroom apartment close to the college. My dad's agreed to pay half of the rent as long as I remain enrolled in school. I'll receive money for living expenses through financial aid, grants, and my partial scholarship. "I want to be a doctor," and "I want to be with Bella."

I remind him about the junior college Bella can attend. After two years she can transfer to the university with me, if she wants to. She doesn't have a clue about what she wants to be or do, but there is plenty of space and time to figure it out.

We talk for hours, and eventually, we call my parents over to join the discussion. They're justifiably nervous. Dad wants me to understand Bella's depression and the way it works because it will only be me there to deal. They also understand that it's our lives, our decision, and reluctantly, they agree to be supportive.

Even the Chief.

"Don't think I won't come out there, boy," he huffs. "Seattle isn't that far, boy," he puffs. "You fuck around, boy, I'll come after you," and "Happy birthday, boy. I love you."


	42. Chapter 42

**Chapter 42**

**October 2003**

**Bella**

I watch as Edward tapes shut the last box. He writes a huge "B" on the top and shoves it to the side with the rest of them. After tossing the tape and the marker onto the empty bed, he falls to my side on the floor, resting his head in my lap.

I tickle my fingers over his scalp, resting my palm on his forehead before gliding my hand along his cheek and his jaw line. We've been packing and cleaning all week. Tonight's our last night in Forks. My walls are bare and the closet empty; ten boxes hold my life, each with its very own B.

Edward yawns, closing his eyes and rubbing his face on my stomach. "All packed."

Dad walks by my room, throwing a blue peanut M&M at Edward before making his way down stairs.

Following Edward, I close my eyes and lean my back against my bed frame. Taking my room apart after living in it for nine years was challenging and exhausting. I found things I forgot I even had, like old pairs of sunglasses and a sweater Edward lent me when we were in junior high. I rediscovered pictures, and music, and everlasting memories. Every single time I found some lost treasure, it had a story that usually connected to Edward.

They were nice reminders.

I've been feeling well lately. Edward has always had that effect on me, though. Our reconciliation was simple. There was never any other choice. We just are. Forever.

"Nervous, baby?" Edward asks. His had slips beneath my shirt. He kisses my stomach.

I smile, eyes closed. "No … I put my pain, my heart, my soul, and my faith in us."

Edward smirks against my skin. "Are you sure you're ready to live with me? One bedroom apartment? I can't always promise to leave the toilet seat down."

"Just don't let me fall," I whisper, feeling calmer than I have in an entire year.

Edward lifts himself out of my lap, sitting right in front of me. I cross my legs and sit Indian style, never opening my eyes. Loving the electricity his nearness radiates into me, I can feel his lips hovering over my face, his fingers dancing over my eyes. The hairs on my arms stand up and follow his lingering touch. My eyes flutter and dance, wanting so badly to see him. Just open up and watch how perfectly beautiful he is.

"You're such a dream," he breathes softly into my ear.

I giggle.

His fingers pull through my hair. Edward touches my knee and wiggles my toes.

"Do you know how much I love you?" he asks, massaging my fingers and kissing along my collar bone.

I nod.

It goes this way for a while: Closed eyes. His touch. His love. He massages my shoulders and my calves. Edward brushes my hair and rubs my ears. It's not until he begins to laugh that I finally open my eyes. I ask him what's so funny. He shakes his head. I ask again. He laughs some more.

"My dad, he's here with the fucking moving truck."

"And?"

Edward stands up, placing my beat up Converses at my feet. He unties them, slipping them on, kissing the inside of my ankles before tying my shoes and helping me off of the floor. Edward takes in my appearance: holey cutoff jean shorts and a throwback band-tee.

"It was a lot like this when we first met. Moving trucks and sunglasses. Roller blades and first loves."

"Only loves," I remind him.

Edward lifts a box, kissing my head as he walks by. "Better fucking believe it," he calls back, taking the stairs two at a time.

I follow him with the intention of squeezing his left butt cheek and pulling his hair some, but when I see Edward being reprimanded by my dad, I can't help but laugh and stay to listen.

"Watch your language in my home, boy," and "Don't think you're too fucking old to spank. I'll give you the ass kicking of your life, boy," and my favorite, "You better not be using that language around my daughter, boy."

Oh, and we can't forget. "Fuck no. I'm not helping you pack that truck so you can take my daughter away from me, boy."


	43. Chapter 43

**Chapter 43**

**December 2003**

**Edward**

Our apartment smells like pumpkin spice and Christmas trees. Bella and I didn't see the sense in buying ourselves a tree this year since we have plans to spend Christmas in Forks. Chief Swan didn't appreciate this. He blamed, and yelled, and accused me of taking the innocence away from Bella.

_"Boy, you will get my Bella a tree for Christmas._

He didn't even give me a chance. Instead he showed up two hours later with my sister and a big ass tree. He set the damn thing up in my living room.

It's not decorated. I didn't have time with school, and Bella never got around to it. The tree smells good, but the pine needles are all over the carpet. It's annoying as fuck.

And because shit is kind of tight around here, Bella and I agreed not to get each other anything for Christmas this year. We live off of my financial aid checks and the help we sometimes get from our parents. B wants to get a job, but I disagree. She needs time readjust. Given the severity of her depression, I only want her to take one thing at a time. Besides, school is more important than working, and Bella starts classes at the community college after winter break.

We made this agreement about the gifts, but it's not one I could abide by. I spent the entire week buying her shit. I shopped at every store and even looked online. Now it's five in the morning and I'm trying to sneak out of bed so I can put her gifts under the tree. Chief Swan wanted us in Forks last night, but with some convincing, Bella talked him into a morning arrival instead.

Hiding presents from my girl was not easy. She's here all day by herself, and she's nosy as fuck. I have boxes hidden under the couch and in the stove she doesn't ever use. Presents are in my dresser drawers and in the trunk of my car. I may have gone overboard, but I love her.

.

.

.

Once I get everything under the tree, I wait and wait and wait. It's eight in the morning and Bella isn't awake. I check on her; she snores.

I start being loud, taking a shower with the door open, and shutting the closet doors with extra force. I turn the TV on and blast that shit, but nothing works. I give up and start to shake her. "Bella, wake up, baby."

She swats at me, rolls over, and groans.

I'm tickling the bottom of her feet. "Bella, wake the hell up."

She kicks me before curling her toes and hiding her feet underneath the blankets. "Go away," she mumbles.

Today will be a good day. She never jokes on bad ones.

"I got you something, baby, but you have to get up."

Bella rolls onto her back. "It better be in the form of an orgasm because we agreed not to get each other anything, Edward."

Bella follows me out to the living room. She sits on the couch and scowls at her pile of presents under the tree. I happily watch, beaming as she opens each one. I got her a sweater and a backpack for school. Some notebooks and other shit she'll need. I got her a new pair of green chucks, a blow dryer, and a few books she wanted. But it's not until she reaches for the last box that I get nervous and sit at her feet.

Bella shakes it, hopingI got her the spice rack she really wanted.

_I don't ever remember her saying shit about a spice rack._

She laughs, ripping the paper apart. "Just kidding."

I watch her carefully as she opens the box. When she gasps, I blush. My hands shake some and my eyes begin to water.

"Edward?"

I'm up on my knees. "If you don't like them, you don't have to wear them." I take the box and pour out all of the glasses onto the couch so she can see them all. "I know how you feel about them, Bella. I'll never take them away."

"You're making my eyes tickle, Edward."

On the couch are the reminders of how we used to be when Bella was safe and we were happy. I never understood why Charlie took her sunglasses away. Sometimes people have things, things that make a person themselves, and Bella's glasses are the one memory of her that stands out the most.

Bella chooses a green circle pair and places on her face. She asks me what I think. I tell her she hurts my fucking heart. Then I tell her I love her so much. She tells me that I'm not the only one who was hiding presents. She got me stuff, too.

She laughs at my face.

I tell her she's fucking stupid.


	44. Chapter 44

**Chapter 44**

**March 2005**

**Edward**

"I just got off the phone with your sister," Bella mentions with a mouth full of toothbrush and blue suds.

The hot water from the shower flows down my back taking away some of my stress. School is difficult, and I have a long road ahead of me. It feels as if this shit will never end, like I'll always be a student. Dad promises in the end all of my hard work will pay off.

In seven to ten years.

Bella swings open the shower curtain, standing in front of me in nothing more than a pair of underwear and a tank top that her right nipple is kind of sticking out of. "You don't care?"

Since Christmas, Bella's back to wearing her sunglasses. She puts them on as soon as she wakes up and doesn't take them off until we go to bed. Her hair is in a high, messy ponytail and her pink sunglasses sit low on her nose showing me her big eyes. She started school, does well, but doesn't actually have a goal. She's as free as she ever was, and it does fucking wonders for her mood.

I cover my junk, laughing as the shampoo gets into my eyes. "I care, Bella. I'm just trying to shower."

There it is, that fucking look she gets when she wants some. Her depression waivers. Some days are better than others. Some months are better than most. But the one thing she is always into is _sex_.

Dad says it all has to do with endorphins; when she has an orgasm, it's like having a natural, instant anti-depressant.

So we have a lot of sex.

Bella removes her glasses and sets them to the side. The hair tie is next to go. Then the tank top is over her head. The panties are off. She's naked and stepping into the water with me.

I wrap my arms around her small frame, allowing her have the water. I kiss her face and rub her back; my length is pressed against her stomach. The water drips down our bodies, making us slick. Bella kisses my chest, under my chin, and on the corner of my mouth. She tells me I'm sexy and that she loves my hairy thighs.

"Hairy thighs are not sexy, Bella," I say, kissing down her neck, down her chest. She leans her head back.

"Yours are," she whispers, gripping my arms.

I have a busy day today, but right now this is all that matters. Everything else is a fuzzy gray.

Gripping my hand underneath her slippery knee, I lift her leg over my hip. Bella stands up onto her tippy-toes before she wraps both legs around my waist. My hands round under her butt, lining myself up at her entrance. She covers my mouth with hers, gasping against my mouth as I enter her fully and quickly.

I watch through hooded eyes as a blush spreads from Bella's cheeks to her chest. Her arms are hooked around my neck, head fallen back and her mouth slightly open. Carefully, I lift Bella off of me, letting her fall back. The splashing of water and the smacking of skin echo off the shower walls. She whispers my name and asks me to go faster. Bella's nipples harden, and her thighs latch onto me forcefully.

I love watching her let go. I love that I can do this to her. It's a far fucking cry from two punk kids crying over stupid shit. It's love, and it's mine. She is mine. Always has been. Always will be.

When my sexy, hairy thighs begin to cramp, I lean Bella against the shower wall. My hips thrust into her. Her thighs shake and tits bounce. I kiss her neck and her lips. She pulls my hair and begs for more … begs and begs and begs until she's screaming for me to stop, but don't stop.

Her body clenches around me. Bella goes limp and her head leans onto my shoulder. She whispers sweet nothings into my ear. I explode inside of her, using all of my strength to keep from dropping her legs. Bella rubs all of the hair out of my face and forces me to look right at her as I come. Her eyes shine. She smiles and bites her lip.

When we've both calmed down, I feel right. She sets herself back down onto her feet, pushing me away playfully so she can wash her hair. I kiss her back and her shoulders. We laugh and everything is good. Then she drops the bomb.

"Like I was trying to tell you earlier, I spoke to your sister. She had some news."

"What?" I question skeptically.

"She married Jasper last weekend."

.

.

.

**So I must give credit ****where credit is deserved: pretty gems, peacock feathers and heart shaped potatoes are not mine. They are owned (literally) by my friend Filia. She was kind enough to allow me to use them in True Love Way. **


	45. Chapter 45

**Chapter 45**

**September 2005**

**Edward**

I left Bella this morning even though I shouldn't have. I don't leave her on days like this. I never leave her alone unless she is feeling bright, content, and aware. Bella was none of those things when I walked out the front door of our apartment before class.

I called my sister and asked her if she could drive up to Seattle to be with my girl for the day. She couldn't, but promised to call in and check on her. I can hear the exhaustion in her tone. Bella's depression has been holding Alice captive for the better part of a month, and she's made the drive more times than I can thank her for.

My foot is unsteady. I tap the tip of my pen on my small desk until the girl sitting next to me hits me with her dirty stares and piercing eyes. I take notes and mark off pages I'll have to re-read later on tonight. I've taken my tests and sat through an entire day of lectures. This is my last class. If I can sit through this I can drive home and be with my girl.

The thought of Bella lying in bed alone, a ball underneath a mound of blankets, makes my skin crawl and my stomach turn. I wonder if she's had anything to eat today. I wonder if she's even gotten out of the fucking bed at all.

I love her, but this inability to control her emotions and her sadness paralyzes me. I can do nothing. I can't concentrate or breathe. I worry all of the fucking time, wanting so badly to make her life easier. Bella tells me I'm the easiest part of her life. She accepts my help willingly, but there's still guilt.

Guilt about my lack of sleep and my fatigue.

I love her. I do it because of that, simply. One day I won't have to work so hard. One day I'll be a doctor and I'll be better informed and trained. One day, when college is over and I'm working, I'll have the means and ability to care for her. Until then, I'm tired and fatigued, and until then, we deal.

Running my hand through my hair, I watch the clock and check my cell. Five minutes. Five more minutes and I'm free.

I watch as the second hand makes its way around the clock over and over, taking its time. I listen as each minute ticks and tocks by. My foot bounces and my pen hits the desk despite the girl's dirty looks.

My stomach twists and my heart clenches.

Four more minutes until I am free.

Three more minutes until I'm free.

Tick, tock, tick, tock…

Two more minutes.

One more minutes.

Thirty seconds.

Five seconds.

I slide my key into the keyhole, slowly and quietly unlocking our front door. It's bright outside, but inside of the apartment is pitch dark. I can smell her, and with her scent comes relief. I set my backpack onto the couch, taking the container into our bedroom.

"Hi," Bella whispers, opening the comforter so I can fit in beside her.

She's been crying. It's all over her face in red blotches and swollen eyes.

"Hi, baby." I kiss her forehead. "Are you okay?"

She shakes her head, letting her face lie on my legs. I open the container and light the pink and white candle. Bella smiles, knowing. She sits up and looks at the cupcake.

"Happy twenty-first birthday," I whisper, holding the cupcake for her to blow out.

A single tear falls from her puffy eyes. "Happy birthday, Edward."

The candle burns, but neither one of us blows it out. Our dark bedroom is illuminated with the slight orange light the flame gives off. Bella and I stare at each other, hearts beating and breaths shaky.

"We're supposed to be out, living it up. We're twenty-one," she cries softly.

I make a wish—the same wish I always make—and blow out the candle. Reaching for her, I hold her so fucking close. So fucking tight she'll never, ever, ever question my devotion. I kiss the top of Bella's head and allow her to cry into my chest.

"No, this is good." I smile, leaning back and closing my eyes. "This is perfect."


	46. Chapter 46

**Chapter 46**

**June 2006**

**Bella**

His arms are around my waist, and his are lips at my ear.

I turn to face him, allowing the high to move through my blood and my bones. He smiles, the crooked kind of smile. The one that leaves me breathless, pinching myself because _surely_ he cannot be mine. Mine to keep and love, and feel and love, and kiss and love.

My hips move, swaying back and forth. His hands are on my sides. My grip's in my hair. My neck is hot and my forehead is damp. Edward leans in, brushing his lips against mine. The colors change from orange to yellow to red to blue. Strobe lights cause everything look broken and fragmented. Edward's hands roam my body. I dance, loving the energy. Loving him.

Alice nudges my arm, passing the joint. Edward takes it, setting it at my lips. I take a huge pull, so huge Edward laughs loudly. From my lips to his, hit after hit after hit. Edward passes it back to Alice. She blows us a kiss and smiles big, big, big. The braces on her teeth shine in the multicolored lights.

I liked her gap. I wish she would have kept it.

It's Esme and Carisle's twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. Their backyard has been transformed. Music, food, and people covering every square inch. Alcohol flows freely, and everyone is happy. My dad is drunk, and my mom is laughing. Alice and Jasper are inseparable, and even Emmett and Rosalie Hale made it for the party.

The night air is crisp. My body is hot.

Edward pulls me closer, turning me so I have to face him. His arms hooks around my lower back. He's not much of a dancer, but he tries; for me he will try anything.

My arms wrap around his neck. My head leans back and my hair falls behind me. Edward kisses my neck, along my jaw and lingering on my lips. He asks me if I'm having fun. He tells me I'm so fucking beautiful it hurts.

I feel good today, rejuvenated and energetic. I woke up this morning with bright eyes and a light heart. I love times like this, when I don't feel like dead weight. I feel my age, and I feel alive. Edward's touch electrifies me, his looks smolders, and his presence thrills. I want to be good for him, and on nights like this, I am.

"Take me away from here," I whisper into his ear.

He looks at me long and hard before taking my hand. We walk through the crowd of people; no one notices our swift exit. Edward guides me through the part of the woods we used to play in when we were kids. Where we first decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend. Where we made up.

We go further back. Edward stops to kiss me every so often. My dress rides up my legs. I stop to pull off my heels. Edward kisses me again, leaning my back against a tree. He pulls me further and further until we reach the clearing—the clearing where we first made love.

His hands are on the hem of my dress, pulling it over my head. My hands are at his belt, unbuckling his pants. I don't give him time to pull them all the way down before I push him onto the ground and climb on top.

I move my underwear to the side, sliding down on his length. My head falls back, and my hips rock. My moans and sighs fill the air. My nails dig into his shoulders. My lips pull and kiss.

We hug tightly. He kisses my neck and along my collarbone. He swears he loves me. He swears I feel so fucking good. He promises I do. My hips swing to his promises. Edward swears to me the world.

When I feel it, that tickle that sends my body to another world, my hips move quicker. Edward helps, clutching my hipbones, moving them rapidly. It's a rush, consuming my body and making me smile. From the pit of my stomach, it spreads through my limbs and extremities. My toes curl, and my eyes flutter.

Almost nothing feels better than this: what he does to me and my body.

When it's over, when it peaks so high it can only come down, I whisper, "_Edward, Edward, Edward.__"_

When it's over, it's over, but we stay right as we are.

Edward laughs, kissing me playfully. "I have mud on my ass."

I place my head on his shoulder and close my eyes. Lazing around in everything that is Edward, knowing that this is the only place I ever want to be.


	47. Chapter 47

**Chapter 47**

**January 2007**

**Edward**

"We're moving."

Bella dumps chopped potatoes in with the pot roast. She took a cooking class, so now she cooks. It isn't always good; most of the time it sucks, but I smile and eat anyway. What can go wrong in a crockpot? She doesn't have to do anything but watch it cook.

"What do you mean, _we're moving_?"

I step into our small kitchen. We've been in this apartment for almost four years; I'm ready to move on.

I look into the crock pot, making sure nothing too scary is in it. "I want to get you a bigger place, somewhere with a backyard."

"That's dumb." Bella pushes me away, knowing I'm inspecting her food. "We can't afford to move, and you still have quite a few years of school left."

I sigh. She's right. I've been accepted to the medical school here in Seattle. The next few years of my life will consist of internships, residencies, and fellowships. Not to mention a shit ton of money and a hell of a lot of stress.

"We're getting a dog," I offer instead.

Bella laughs, chopping the carrots. "We can't have a dog without a backyard."

I eat one of her chopped carrots, loving her pink circle sunglasses. Bella's hair is pulled back, a few stray hairs surrounding her face.

"Then we should move."

She shakes her head. I kiss her neck. Bella pushes me away, threatening my life if I don't let her finish dinner.

"What is with you today?"

I'm leaning against the counter. "I don't know. I feel like we're stuck. We've reached some kind of dead-end."

"It's all a part of the process, Edward."

I'm looking at her, at her hands, while they chop onions. She has pretty hands. Everything about her is pretty, but maybe now I know what needs to change. Our relationship—that's what's stuck. We move along at the same pace, doing the same things day in and day out.

"You're going to love me forever, right, B?"

"No. I've met someone else and have fallen madly in love. I was going to tell you, but I figured killing you softly with poisonous pot roast was a better idea."

I laugh. "Good to know."

She kisses my lips, slipping something into my hand. "Here, take this."

I look at it and laugh. "What is it?"

It's a heart shaped potato. Odd but completely fitting.

Bella winks, setting the lid onto of the crock-pot. "If that's not a sign of our undying love, then I don't know what is."

I stare at the potato. I love this potato. If I freeze it will it stay good?

Bella's pot roast didn't kill me. It was actually very good. We ate two servings each. Bella had some trouble going to sleep, so we stayed up a lot of the night. When my alarm went off in the morning, I already knew I wouldn't be going to class.

I make the room dark, covering her completely, allowing her to feel safe. "Not today, Bella?"

"Not today, Edward."


	48. Chapter 48

**Chapter 48**

**September 2008**

**Bella**

He's being strange. Very, very odd. His face is red, and I swear he's sweating a little. Edward's quick with his answers, running his hand through his hair at a constant pace.

"Are you feeling okay? Do you want to head home?" I ask.

"No!" He rubs his face in the palms of his hands. "No, I'm okay. A little hot."

My dad laughs from the other side of the table, eating his steak looking oh, so smug. "What's the matter with you, boy?"

Mom kicks him, Carlisle smiles, and Alice glows. She is so high. I wonder if she'll ever grow out of her herb addiction. Jasper, he loves her so much. He hovers, always there. It's sweet. It really is.

"I'm sure it's just the stress from school, right, son?"

"Yeah, Dad, whatever," my guys answers.

Edward stands; the entire table takes a breath.

I have not a clue about what is going on. We came here for our birthdays, and he has been this way all day, avoiding me and completely on edge. Edward makes my heart pang a little. I'm not insecure enough to think it has something to do with me, but it has something to do with something.

I look up at the boy in question. He's staring at me, giving me the chills. His green eyes have gone dark, and his hands are in his pockets.

"Take me somewhere where we can be alone," I whisper, needing some space.

He nods, taking my hand and telling our families to stay. Edward leads me outside, taking a deep breath. His face is flushed and his frame trembling.

"I should have done this at home. This is stupid," he mumbles. "You're everything to me, Bella."

"I know." I'm still oblivious. "But I don't know what you're thinking."

He takes another deep breath, taking my hand and kissing my face. "We were so young. I close my eyes and the flashbacks start."

This makes me smile

He laughs lightly. He hugs me, stress sliding right off of him on to the cement floor. He whispers in my ear to stay right here. "Don't move. I'll be right back."

He isn't gone long before he comes, and now we're driving back to our childhood homes. He's quiet again, but there is nothing wrong with the quiet. Our families pull in behind us; I didn't even know they left the restaurant.

They get out of their cars and Edward opens my door. They're all standing there … waiting expectantly.

Alice gives me a thumbs up.

I'm out of the car and Edward is on his knee, shaking, crying, and speaking. He's saying forever and always; the ring is shining so beautifully.

Families are crying, Moms are hugging. And Dads ... Dads looks happy.

"Marry me, Bella. You'll never have to be alone. I love you, and that's all I really know."

I cover my mouth with my hands as tears fall from my eyes. Edward is waiting so patiently for an answer. So handsome. So strong. So entirely forever.

I think back—back to the very first day I saw him. How the sunlight lit up his hair. How cute I thought he was while he sat on his bike watching me move boxes from the moving truck to the stairs. I remember blowing the largest bubbles I could, knowing boys thought bubblegum was awesome. I remember writing letters across lawns and M&M's for smiles. Peacock feathers and heart shaped potatoes. A heart shaped potato that sits in my freezer still.

Edward brushed my hair and taught me how to use tampons. He brought me coffee and kissed me for the first time. He has loved me unconditionally since the moment he saw me.

How can I be so lucky?

He smiles, the crooked kind. The one that causes me to melt. "It's a love story. Baby, just say yes."

So I do. I say yes.


	49. Chapter 49

**Chapter 49**

**June 2009**

**Bella**

Dark.

Everything is dark behind his hands. I'm sure if I open my eyes I'll be able to see through his fingers. He'd never leave me lightless without a way out. But I promised Edward I wouldn't, so I keep my eyes closed.

_Promises are promises._

I allow him to guide my way, knowing he would never let me fall. I can trust him with everything I am. If I've only learned one thing during my short complicated, sad life, it's that Edward is honest. He's my savior.

"Your eyes better be closed, Bella," Edward warns.

"They are." I hear the sound of a door being opened. I smell wet paint. Edward leads me straight until I feel carpet beneath my feet.

He removes his hands from my face. "Okay, you can look now."

I look at him first. It'd be a shame if Edward wasn't the first thing I saw through the dark. He's too pretty not to look at. He's too fantastic not to drink in and melt with. After I've seen his smile, I take the time to look around. My jaw must have hit the ground because Edward closes it for me before kissing my lips.

"This place, this house, it's ours," he whispers, letting me hide myself in his neck.

"Thank you for working so hard so I don't have to," I tell him, loving the house. I want to look around, but loving him is so much more important. I would live in a box, a crate, or in a fucking garbage bag as long as I had him.

"Don't you want to look around?" he asks quietly as his nose glides along my cheek.

"Yes." I nod.

Edward takes me though the house. We have a master bedroom and three smaller rooms. The kitchen is large, and Edward swears I could never fuck-up another dinner again.

"It's a smart-kitchen. Whatever that means," he says.

The living-room is open, and all of the bathrooms are bigger than our one bedroom apartment we've spent the last five years in. The backyard has a pool and a deck, and there's a spa for the days I don't feel well.

It's amazing, and more than I ever imagined possible.

His arms are around my chest, and his chin is on my shoulder. "I got in at the hospital, Bella. This is yours. Anything you want you can have. I fucking swear."

We stare at our backyard; this is what the last few years have added up to: Edward is a doctor. We own this huge house, and I've found some contentment with myself. He's given me the opportunity to do and be anything I want, and now he's given me all of the time in the world. He has given me the best gifts. His love would have been enough, but this … this extra is nice.

"I love it." It's the absolute truth.

We stand in our new home for some time. I should have known it wouldn't have lasted. When Edward reaches down, sweeping my feet out from under me, I know better than to be surprised. I know better than to scream or to ask to be let down … once he's running in the direction of the pool, I know there's no point in anything else but holding on.

We cut through the air, jump and fall. I hold on to Edward and gasp for a deep breath, a huge breath. A breath so big it burns my lungs. A breath I let out as soon as we touch water. Edward lets me go and bubbles blur my vision. My feet kick. My arms and legs swim toward the surface. Edward reaches for me and we kiss beneath the water.

He holds me down. Our tongues touch and water fills our mouths.

Our feet kick, racing towards the water line. We both inhale before we start to laugh, splashing water in each other's faces. I swim away, but he catches me. We swim-float around in circles. He dunks me under, and I pull him close by his tie.

We're playing in the water.

Playing like a couple of kids that never grew up.

Free.

Happy Alone.

Sharing a Smile.

The True Love Way.


	50. Epi 1

**EPILOGUE PART ONE**

**Edward**

If you freeze a heart shaped potato, it will grow roots.

If you wrap a heart shaped potato in saran wrap and stick it into the far corner of your freezer where it is safe, and protected, and loved, it will still grow roots.

Despite all of your efforts to keep the potato safe from itself, from its nature … from the ugly truth, it will still grow roots. At the end of the day, the heart shaped potato is still a potato. All of your hard work and dedication in shielding it will not change that simple fact.

"You should have allowed the potato be a potato, Edward," Bella says, shaking her head at my poor heart shaped spud.

I cut the roots off one at a time. "Maybe, but I love this potato more than any other potato, and I wanted to keep it safe."

"It's only a potato. A plain and dirty potato, babe," she says, laughing as she jumps onto the kitchen counter. "Besides, that potato has real, real serious problems. I've heard that potato, the one you love so, so much, is a little bit crazy."

Bella winks, turning the page on her cookbook, kicking her feet out in front of her.

"Watch your mouth, woman. I love my potato, and I won't allow you to talk shit." I kiss it before sticking it back into the freezer, confident that it will last as long as I keep cutting off those fucking roots. Turning back to my girl, I kiss her face and her neck. Running my hands up her thighs, I whisper into her ear, "Besides, we're all a little bit crazy."

She gets the chills, giggles against my lips and wraps her arms around my neck. "Maybe, but your potato, she's crazier than the rest."

I nod, agreeing with her before licking her bottom lip and sticking my cold hands under her shirt. "What are the chances that I'd be lucky enough to find that particular heart shaped potato? Out of all the potatoes in this world, all the "normal" potatoes, I was the one chosen to have the heart shaped one? Pretty small, I'd say." I kiss along her jaw. My thumb rubs over her nipple through her shirt. "I'm pretty fucking lucky to have such a unique heart shaped potato, and I'd never take that for granted. Even if it does have roots."

Her eyes roll into the back of her head as I kiss up her neck. "Your potato is defective. You got the substandard potato. You chose the wrong bag."

"Take that back. It isn't even close to being true," I whisper against her skin, pulling her shirt over her head.

Bella falls back onto the kitchen counter. Her arms fall above her head, and her legs wrapping around my waist. I kiss up her collarbone and touch the side of her breast.

"Your potato loves you, too, you know?" She squirms, laughing when I bite her nipple over her bra. "Your potato is grateful for all you do for her. She sleeps well at night because she knows you'll always be around to help when the roots get a little out of hand. And when your potato goes a little bit crazy, she is well aware of your love. Your potato told me to tell you that."

Unhooking her bra, I throw it behind me. "Does my potato know that she has great tits?"

Bella bites on her bottom lip, closing her eyes and nodding her head. "Yes."

Hooking my fingers into the waist band of her shorts, I pull them down her legs. Dying when I see that my potato isn't wearing any underwear.

Situating myself back between her legs, Bella has chills that run up and down her naked body. She touches the side of my face, I kiss her palm and love the way the metal and diamond around her finger binds her to me.

Pulling her back to the edge of the counter, I unbutton my pants while I lick over her nipple and watch the blush consume her cheeks.

"Does my potato know that she drives me fucking wild? Does she know I've loved her since I was ten? I would die for her?"

"She knows. That's why she's going to marry you."

I love the words. I love that she wants me forever. So easily mine.

Feeling between her legs, her back arches off of the counter. The words "Please," and "I need you right now," leave her lips softly. Bella's hands are in my hair, on my face.

I slowly sliding inside of her. "Bella, baby … I'm going to be late for work."

Going six months without an episode, I can feel Bella becoming restless. She isn't as quick to get out of bed in the morning, the laundry is piling up, and she's beginning to close into herself. The empty stares and the daydreaming are more frequent. There are dark purple circles under her eyes from being unable to sleep at night.

It fucking kills me. After all of this time her depression only seems to be getting worse with each vicious cycle.

This time will be bad. I can feel it.

When I love her like this, giving myself to her to take and use in whichever way she needs, Bella is better. Our bodies move together, heavy breaths and clinging limbs. I want to be here, in the now, enjoying her skin against mine. All I can manage to think about is who I can call and have come over to _watch her _while I'm at the hospital.

"Love me, Edward … love me," she moans, legs and arms locking me to her.

"I do. So fucking much." I kiss her neck, her hairline … stroking as deep as I can.

I almost had myself tricked this last time. I thought for sure Bella and I had figured out a routine in keeping the depression at bay. She sees a psychiatrist once a month and is religious about her meds. She goes to school, taking any class that sparks her interest. She is carefree, a lot like my sister.

For the last week I've watched it creep in, and I'm fucking terrified.

I kiss over her flushed cheeks. Bella smiles and hums. Her closed eyes open, looking at me with her dark browns. The depth and the significance of the brief stare is enough to let me know that she is thinking about the same thing I am. She feels it too, just afraid to confirm. So I tell her that I love her, and I touch every inch I can reach. Speeding the movements in my hips, I hope she feels my desperation and my sincerity. Neither one of us dare say a fucking word about the inevitable—the silent condition that rules our lives.

The next couple of days pass slowly. I have no other choice but to leave for the hospital every day. It's not the way it was when I was in college. I can't stay home because Bella isn't feeling well. I worry for her the same as I always have, but I have an obligation at work.

She's beginning to be mean and quick tempered. Bella's frustrated but trying, balancing on the edge of depression. I can see the fight in her. She tries to prevent it from taking her over, but it's a battle she has been losing since she was a kid.

Until one day she doesn't have any more fight to give.

"You treat me like I'm a fucking child, Edward!" she snaps, walking past me into our bedroom.

She slams the door in my face. I hear her crying through the thick wood. My heart beats a million beats a second. My palms are sweaty, and my own anxiety reaches its peak. Leaning my forehead against the cold door, I ask her if I can come in before opening the door and stepping inside.

Taking off my tie, I slip out of my shoes while Bella sits in the center of our bed with her face in her hands. There isn't anything I can say that will make her feel better. She'll use my words against me, so I remain silent while changing out of my work clothes.

"I'm alone all fucking day," she spits. "I miss you, but you're always at work."

I hang up my shirt, stepping out of my pants. "I know."

More sobs. More tears rocking her core. "I don't want your sister here. I don't need a babysitter."

I sit carefully on the side of the bed, wanting to touch her so fucking badly. "She won't be here to babysit you, B. I promise."

She cries harder and harder as the minutes pass; shaking the bed and hurting my ears, my pride and my heart. I should be able to fix this. I'm a doctor. I've studied about treating and curing people and their aliments, but there is nothing I can do for the one person who means everything to me.

I'm helpless.

I can only sit back and listen to her ear shattering sobs knowing this is only the beginning. Tonight she won't sleep, but tomorrow she will sleep all day. Bella won't eat, and she'll stop talking. She'll lose weight, and manipulate me into having sex with her. She'll feel so bad afterward that the crying will start all over again.

Who knows how long it will last? A few days. A week. A month. A few months.

"Bella," I whisper her name. "We have to do something about this. We can't just sit back and let it happen to you."

Taking a chance, I look over at the love of my life. Her green circle glasses blocki the view of her red swollen eyes. She doesn't even attempt to smile, laying her cheeks down on her knees. Scooting close, then closer again, until I'm right next to her and my arms have her safely pinned against me.

"I hate feeling like this. I can't breathe. I feel like I'm dying."

"You're not. I swear you're not."

Another sob. Her feet start to kick and her finger nails did into the skin of my arm. "My heart is beating too fast. I can't catch a breath."

"Everything's okay," I assure her.

Looking back at our lives, this type of depression is a condition that was passed down to Bella through genes and birth. Symptoms showed themselves as early as age two. Her pediatricians didn't think it was possible, but talking to Charlie and Renee about it. They did. By age five she was hiding behind her glasses, unemotional. By age ten, she'd met me but nothing about her personality had changed. Bella was awkward and overlooked because of her unsociable personality. Bella was detached to everyone except for me, and around age twelve, the symptoms really began to show. She was consumed by fifteen.

I'd like to think I did something to help—that any of us did—but the reality is we did nothing more than contain and treat, again and again. We got Bella by.

Maybe it's our fault it's getting worse.

Maybe it's my fault. I'm her worst enabler. I gave her the glasses back after she went years without them. I allow her to sit around all day and do nothing. I'm the one telling her that everything is okay even though it's not. Not even close. It's always there, lurking and teasing. Not only affecting our day to day life, but our future.

What if we want kids? Will they be born with it, too?

Lounging Bella down her back, she fights against my grip. Trying to convince me that she can't breathe, she hits and pulls on my clothes. Her hands shake and her eyes tremble. Her own mind's betraying her body. It's so fucking sad I can cry.

"You're having a panic attack," I whisper into her ear, unsure if she's even listening. "I wouldn't let you die. I would never let anything happen to you."

Seems like hours before her breathing becomes normal again. My skin burns from where she scratched and hit me. Her glasses are broken, and her face is swollen. A few shaky breathes and some left over tears, Bella apologizes.

"I can't live like this anymore. I can't do it."

What do you say to something like that?

_Sorry, but you were born this way? Your brain is fucked up and there is nothing you or I can do about it? Get used to it because this is your life, Bella … our life._

I don't fucking think so.


	51. Epi 2

**Quick note: I'm no longer going to give exact months and years. I want the years to mesh, so I might mention an age but that's all.**

**Epilogue Part Two**

**Bella**

"Remember when you went through that phase?"

Alice blows smoke out of her mouth in the shapes of O's. "What phase?"

I take the joint from her hands, puffing once, twice, three times before handing it back. "When you tried to quit smoking pot and left your hair one shade of blonde."

Alice rolls her eyes. "God, yes," she laughs, putting her feet up in my lap. "Don't mention that to anyone. I'm sticking it to the man with pot smoking and pink hair. Fuck conformity and all of that mess."

Alice moves pink bangs out of her eyes.

"Edward is going to be home soon," I warn, tickling the bottom of her feet.

"I know, he just called." Alice smokes what is left of the weed and puts it out. "I have to head back to Forks tonight. Jazzy can only handle so long without me." She winks.

I sit back, looking up at the stars. "Edward's doing so well. I love him so much."

Edward has Alice come up a few times a month to stay with me so I won't have to be alone when he's working. Sometimes she'll rotate with my mom, or even my dad. Esme came up for a week a few months ago, but with Alice comes herb, and with herb comes peace and laughs.

She is utterly the same as I remember her being when we were kids: wise beyond her age, spiritual and free. Stupid, non-essential tattoos scatter her body; her nose is pierced on both sides and her fingers are littered in different sized and shaped colored rings. When Alice is here, she wears my sunglasses, claiming to feel "left out" because I wear them and she doesn't.

My partner in crime sucks on lollipops all day, bounces around the house, and recycles everything. It's impossible to feel bad when she is around. Doesn't mean I don't, but she makes it easier.

"Oh, he loves you too, Bella." She sighs. "He loves you so much it hurts his poor little heart."

I smile, head-light from the high. Shaking Alice's foot, she looks over at me. "I can't wait to marry him."

She nods. "You guys should just do what Jasper and I did. Go to the courthouse, let it be done."

"No, I want to make a huge deal out of it."

Looking at me skeptically, Alice sits up and drinks an entire bottle of water. "You do?"

I nod. "I do."

"White dress and everything?"

I pinch her toe and rub her leg. "White dress ad everything."

"Well, that will be a trip. Your love is such a fairy tale, Bella." She sits back, bringing my head to her lap. "You and Edward met when you were so young, now look. Through everything you remain. That's the sweetest part."

I sadly sigh. "I am hardly a fairy tale."

"Oh, but you are, baby." Her fingers run through my long brown hair. "You're such a sad girl, B. I wish you weren't. There's so much to be happy about."

"I can't help it, Alice."

"I think you can, or you can try," she says carefully. "When is the last time you were evaluated?"

"A couple of years, before Edward and I moved into the house."

Sometimes I feel like a child, a child who is kept in this precious bubble. A lot like Edward and his potato. He keeps me wrapped up so tightly, afraid that I might get hurt. In the end, I still grow roots. My disease, my condition, my stipulation keeps me prisoner.

It's not a secret to me or anyone else that my type of depression is far worse than the everyday case. I've talked to my dad about it; he retells stories about my grandma and my aunts. Their stories are never as bad as mine. It seems I received the shit end of our family dilemma. It morphed into some crooked, fucked up case far worse than anyone else suffered.

On the outside I am normal: a twenty four year old girl who is engaged to the most beautiful person in the entire world. Most days I can go out and do normal things. Alice and I like to go jogging. It usually ends with her coughing on the side of the road, but we try. I still attend random classes at the community college, content with the fact that I may never have a real career.

Edward has given me the gift of indecisiveness; I never have to be sure of anything if I don't feel like it. One day I can be a cook, the next I can be a photographer or a school teacher or a painter, a writer. He indulges in my indulging, supporting me every step of the way.

I catch him watching me. I catch them all watching me, waiting on standby for me to blow my lid. Edward's so damn sexy I let him keep on watching. His eyes on me, good or bad, make me feel good, even if I'm not feeling well on a particular day, I always want him.

That's the reason I don't allow myself to dwell on the small shit anymore.

Edward will always want me.

Me.

Damages included.

He revolves around me, orbits and hovers. It's pleasantly, sickly sweet.

I can always count on him. He will always be there when I fall. Killer vibrant green eyes, messy hair and strong body. It's a two way deal. I hover and orbit just as much as he does. Maybe to a point of ridiculousness. Edward's very much my safety blanket. He's a parachute and a net. I am dependent on him. My depression is dependent on him.

"Guess who?" His hands are covering my eyes but I knew he was here when I heard the truck pull into the driveway.

Alice giggles. Edward laughs under his breath. He is the worst at the "Guess Who" game.

"Umm …" I play. "Is it … oh, I know… is it the cute guy who works at the hospital with my fiancé? What's his name? Peter?"

Edward removes his hand, cigarette hanging from the edge of his lips. "What? You think Peter is cute? Pierce me through the fucking heart, why don't ya?"

I sit up from Alice's lap, feeling a little loopy from the pot. Edward's there to steady me, laughing while smoke seeps from his ciggy.

"Careful, baby," he whispers.

His eyes reflect so much adoration and devotion. I am the center of his world, his debilitating center.

Throwing my arms around his neck, Edward laughs and falls back onto his butt. He warns me about cigarette burns, but I could care less. I would burn all the way through if it meant I could touch him like this for always.

He takes one last hit of his cigarette before he flicks it somewhere to the side. Holding me back, he kisses me until our tongues touch, and nothing else matters.

.

.

.

Edward's hands run continuously through his hair. He is nervous, for me, for what this will mean. "Bella, we don't have to do this."

Edward being a doctor doesn't mean he uses his knowledge to diagnose or cure me. Together we have turned a blind eye to how severe my depression has become. I don't think a reassessment will fix this. I won't ever be rid of it. It's my second forever. But I can manage it. I have to try.

"Edward," I whisper. "Trust me."

With reluctant eyes and hesitant kisses, he does.

For six hours I go through the ropes. I speak about my routine and my actions. How often this happens to me, and do I have suicidal thoughts? Edward finds it hard not to defend my helplessness. He's easily angered and quick to block me from any type of grief. He doesn't want these doctors asking me personal questions about my sexual activity or inability to be close to anyone else but our immediate family. He's protective, but it's time for him to step back.

I don't like everything the doctors have to say. They call me dependent and clinical; words I have heard before, only this time they include bipolar and manic.

Edward cries. He tries to hide his face but I see him.

I don't. I refuse to cry. Instead I act. "Help me fight this," and "Tell me what to do."

"Mood disorders are hard to treat." One doctor hands Edward a pamphlet on manic-depression and bipolar affective disorder.

He goes on to describe rapid cycling and mixed episodes. His words about isolation, self-loathing and sadness describe me perfectly.

It's not easy hearing that I have a classified mental illness. I am unstable, and while there are worse cases than mine, cases where people cannot function or live properly, it doesn't make it any easier to hear.

I refuse to cry.

I will face this head on.

Edward takes my hand and winks, having wiped the tears from his eyes. He is on my team: Team Bella.

They want me admitted for further observation. Edward refuses, and I don't find it necessary. We thank them, take the pamphlets and a new understanding on my condition, and leave, but not before my meds are changed and also reevaluated.

With an array of anti-depressants and mood stabilizers, Edward and I drive home in a comfortable silence. He reminds me that everything is okay, that I'm not alone. He won't ever leave me.

"You can't drink Dr. Pepper," Edward repeats what the doctor said, rubbing my cheek as we sit at a red light.

"But I love Dr. Pepper," I whine, playing along.

When the light turns green Edward goes on and on about stress management and ridding the house of caffeine. We're going to join a gym and get a dog because dogs make people feel better.

"I'm going to be this way forever, Edward," I remind him, loving the idea of a puppy but not deterred from the fact of the matter.

"So." He shrugs. "I'm always going to be like this." Edward looks at me with crossed eyes and a stupid smile while speaking about toast in a French accent.

My laughter echoes throughout the cab of his truck.


	52. Epi 3

**Epilogue Part Three**

**Edward**

I take a breath, looking into Bella's eyes, holding onto her hands with sweaty palms and shifty fingers. "Isabella Swan, I promise to love you for every moment of forever."

All of our family and friends are watching.

My sister stands behind my girl with hair braided and dreaded, up and curled. A daisy decorates her ear. Bella's bouquet is in her hand.

Alice winks as Bella and I says, "I do." She cries and wipes her tears away, always knowing that this is where we would end up.

In the front row sits my father and mother, Chief Swan and Mrs. Swan. My parents look up with shiny eyes and proud smiles. The Chief's normal "Boy" look has transformed into subtle content.

Jasper taps on my shoulder, passing me her ring. He smiles, hugging me before stepping back into his place in front of Emmett. Rosalie, who stands beside Alice, sniffs loudly. Everyone laughs, including Bella.

My love's lips are colored a deep ruby-red. The rest of her makeup is left simple. Her hair is curled loosely and pinned up on the left side with a barrette given to her by my mother. Her nails are painted red. A heart shaped necklace surrounds her neck; a present from her dad.

Bella is godly and unfairly beautiful today. By tradition, I wasn't supposed to see her until she walked down the aisle.

Fuck tradition. I snuck into her room before I even came outside.

I put the barrette in her hair and whispered against her flushed cheeks. I helped clasp the button on her dress and slipped her shoes onto her feet so she wouldn't wrinkle her gown. Bella ran her fingers through my hair because she likes it better when it's messy. She loosened my tie and smeared a little lipstick on my collar. I tried to talk her into running away together, skipping the ceremony and going straight into the honey moon but she declined

"I want everyone to see how much I love you," she said before Alice came running in the room with a pointed finger and a joint on her lips.

Now we're here: me, slipping a ring on her finger, and Bella, sighing with completeness.

"We can run away now," she whispers, looking between me and her ring finger.

"Not yet," I whisper back, saying my vows and listening to hers.

The priest tells me to kiss my bride.

_My Bride_.

I take her in my arms while the crowd whistles, claps and cries, and I kiss her. Red lipstick smears, more hands in the hair and a few cleared throats, but I kiss her relentlessly.

This is officially forever.

Bella's head leans back, her laughter causes my heart to swell.

I kiss her again.

At twilight, Alice gives a speech about roller blades and hearts in the cement. She mentions broken souls and boarded up windows, but asks us to remember that this is the right.

"You guys have what most people only dream of. You've been in love since you were ten, unconditional and irreversible." She wipes her eyes, taking a gulp of her champagne. "Remember the first time we all smoked out…"

Dad takes the microphone from Alice and gives his own speech about proud parents and fulfilled expectations. His words about overcoming struggles and long-roads-defeated choke me up. Bella smiles with glossy eyes, kissing my cheek.

Chief Swan is the next to speak. His speech is in the form of grumbles and mumbles. "Boy, you better…" and "Boy, I always knew you were the one," and "Boy, I'm not buying anymore M&M's." Ending his speech with a failing voice and, "Edward, I know you will take care of her, because you always have."

Everyone watches while we share our first dance as a married couple.

I dip Bella before continuing to sway in my parent's backyard. "This is so fucking cliché."

The trees decorated with twinkling lights and white roses. Tables with candles and white linen decorate the area.

Bella laughs, laying her head against my chest. "Shut up. Give me my moment."

Her hair smells like vanilla and almonds, bare feet on top of my shoes and ears over beating hearts.

We dance in tiny circles. Bella's dress brushes along the grass. We don't talk. We only move and sigh until a tap on my shoulder and permission to cut in is asked proudly from Chief Swan.

I kiss Bella on her forehead, then her cheek and the corner of her mouth before handing her over to her dad, taking my sister by her hand. My sister smells like weed and lilacs. She has the giggles and blood shot eyes.

Alice and I spin in playful circles, laughing until we cry and hug until we can't breathe.

"I know that I'm not the smartest person in the world, Edward, and I didn't do much with my life, but for what it is worth, I am entirely proud of you and Bella."

"Alice, shut the fuck up. You have done more for me and Bella than you could know. If it wasn't for you—" I drop my forehead onto my sisters, trying to keep my composure. "I don't know where we would be without you."

She laughs. "Together. You were born to be together."

Jasper is the next to tap on my shoulder, asking to cut in. He offers me a small smile and a pat on the back, but he only has eyes for Alice. The two of them just work, meshing and gravitating in a way that is so intimate I walk away with my hands in my pockets, without a look back.

On the sidelines of the dance floor, I'm able to steal some time alone. I order a beer from the bar and hide in the tree line, leaning against the trees Bella and I used to play in as kids.

The music is loud, voices echo and laughter floats. The cold beer is relief on my warm lips. I loosen my tie and unbutton a few buttons of my shirt before rolling up my sleeves and untucking it from my pants.

I can see Bella with the Chief from here, dancing in circles song after song. Beside them are my parents, looking more in love than I have ever seen. Emmett and Rosalie Hale, who have been together longer than me and Bella, whisper playfully before Em spins her away from him.

But it's Bella who my eyes always return to. Chief Swan's cheek lies on top of her head. His black and gray mustache moves as he gives her advice and words of love. Bella cries, wiping her face clean. Her lips are stained red, but the lipstick has long been gone since I kissed it off during the ceremony, green grass stains on her train.

I give them one more song before I head back toward my wife.

"I'm ready when you are," I whisper, taking her back from Chief Swan.

"We can't leave yet. The wedding isn't over." Bella kisses my cheek, allowing me to pull her away from the dance floor.

I spin her a couple of times; she fits perfectly under my arm. Before Bella has a chance to figure out what I'm doing, we're running away from our wedding and heading toward my Volvo. She giggles and runs, holding her dress up. I'm right behind her, lifting the train so that she doesn't slip.

We run until the music is a distant noise and the car is in our sight.

Bella laughs, dropping her dress and gasping for a breath. "You did this on purpose, hiding the car around the block."

With lips at her ear, the other on the car door handle. "I can only share you for so long. I was beginning to lose my fucking mind."

Running around to the other side of the car, Bella and I drive back to Seattle with our cell phones off and the stereo blasting Nirvana. I smoke a cigarette, and Bella pulls at her dress. She releases her hair from the barrette, and unties some of the string from her garter tie up in the back.

Two hours later we are running to our front door. Bella has given up on holding her dress up and concentrates more on getting out of it as fast as possible.

Once we are through the front door, she and I both work on the string and lace until it falls to her feet and Bella sighs with relief. She stands in the entryway in white panties and bra. I give her about ten seconds to catch her breath before I'm on her.

My hands are in her hair, her back is pressed against the wall, and her legs are wrapped around my waist.

"I love you," I whisper against her lips.

Bella's head falls back and hits the wall with a thump. "I love you," she whispers back, circling her hips.

Slowly making our way back to our bedroom, we are undressed and a tangled mess of limbs and heavy breaths in no time at all. Her smooth legs run up and down mine. Bella's back is arched, and her mouth is open. I press into her, slowly and fully.

With the sounds of her love in my ear, the memories of our past are in my mind.

_The first time I saw her._

_Combined birthday parties and peace signs on her cheek._

_Roller blades and feet pushing my bike._

I kiss along Bella's neck, her hands run up and down my back, and I dip into her. Love consumes, love conquers.

_Bella whispering with Alice on the couch. I only ignored her because I liked her so much._

_Notes across the lawn._

_Saving all of my M&M's in a box under my bed._

"Edward," Bella moans. Her chest pressed against my own.

"Shhh…" I kiss the corner of her mouth, diving into her.

Everything about our childhood flips through my mind, one thing after another.

_Teaching Bella how to use her tampons, and our first kiss. Hiking in the woods, and holding hands._

_She wanted to have sex, and finding out she was depressed. Starting high school, and a rainbow of sunglasses._

_Stolen peacock feathers, and staying awake all n__ight long_.

I remember all of it, even our breakup, and sitting in the police cruiser with Chief Swan after prom.

"_Don't punch my car, boy."_

_Grinding my teeth, pulling at my hair, I cry. I sob. I'm hysterical. "How can you let her be with him? You hated me. You hate me, but you let her be with him so easily."_

_Chief Swan scoffs, pulling a flask from his jacket and offering me a drink after he takes a long swig. "Do you think I'm stupid, boy?" He laughs, taking another drink. "I know that kid is trouble. I didn't do this for him, I did it for her."_

"_Prom Queen," I whisper, ironically._

"_I don't hate you, boy, but I love my girl, and sometimes kids need to learn the hard way." He looks at me, o__ffering me another drink. "Some__day you will thank me for this lesso__n."_

Bella pushes me onto my back, climbing on top and dropping herself slowly onto my length. She moves her hips back and forth, head tipped back. I touch her legs, her stomach, her chest.

"_You took it__ down?"_

_I look up at my sister and nod, not interested in talking about it._

_Alice sits next to me. "Bella seems happy about it."_

_Taking a chance I look up from my book and out the window, over to Bella's. I haven't had the balls to look yet, too afraid to see what I would find, ashamed that I put it up in the first place._

_But there she is, with a small smile and an even smaller wave; she closes her curtains and walks away._

I sit up, wrapping one arm around Bella's back, placing my other hand on her hip. She moves back and forth with closed eyes and raised skin. I touch her, feel her … remembering everything.

How it felt to see her with Jacob Black at that party. How it felt even worse to fight him and lose, again. Living every day in a fucking haze and staying away despite wanting nothing more than to go to her.

I will always regret not going to her sooner, but I'll never regret the lesson learned.

I run my hand along her face, lips touching and tongues gliding. I grip into her skin and rock back and forth as she comes. Bella holds onto my shoulders, confessions of love and forever exchange until tears leave her eyes and bodies collapse.

Bella smiles, hooded eyes and flushed cheeks. She runs her hands though my sweaty hair and locks her legs around mine so I can't pull out. "Happy Wedding Day, Edward," she whispers.

I nod, my hand brushing over her chest. "Happy Birthday, Bella."


	53. Epi 4

**Epilogue Part Four**

**Edward**

I drop my keys onto the counter, blow out a candle Bella left lit, and sift through some of the mail that was left for me to see. "B, I'm home, baby."

Bills, junk, and congratulation cards that are still coming in from this weekend's no-shows.

"I'm back here!" she yells between splashing water and a loud TV.

I take off my jacket and empty my pockets before heading toward our bedroom. The TV is on, blasting so Bella can hear it in the bathroom. I turn it off, Bella says, "Hey!"

I turn the radio on instead, and she shuts up.

I lean in the doorway of the muggy bathroom. Bella sits in the bathtub, bubbles up to her neck and candles lit on every surface.

I laugh, unbuttoning my shirt. "I've been telling you since we were fourteen about these fucking candles, Bella."

Bella looks up at me, lifting her knees so I have room to get in. "Oh, I know. I just love them so much."

I drop my shirt to the floor, step out of my shoes, and get into the water. Bubbles overflow and water spills onto the floor. Bella laughs loudly while she sticks her feet in my lap and lays back, not caring that I just got in with my pants still on.

She sighs, lifting her hair up and tying it into a knot. "You're silly."

I don't stay on my side of the tub for long; I'm up on my knees, between her legs and over her belly. I kiss her lips, then her cheek, then her chin, her chest … our growing miracle.

I rub my hand back and forth over our baby girl. "How are you doin' today, B?"

"Tired, hungry, and a little bit moody." Bella closes her eyes. "I thought of a name, though."

"You did?" I stand up and take off my pants so that I can sit behind Bella. With her back pressed against my chest, my knees up on each side of her body, both of our hands lie on top of her swollen belly.

"Layla," she says, playing in the bubbles.

"Like the song?"

"Yeah, like the song."

I kiss the top of her shoulder, watching as goose bumps spread along her skin. "It's beautiful."

"I went through the rest of the gifts from the baby shower." Bella smiles. "Your sister got the baby one of those pacifiers with crystals all over it. It's so, so pretty."

I kiss her neck and the spot right below her ear. "That's nice."

The bathroom is dark, candles being our only light. Bella goes on and on about the baby shower she had this last weekend. We got almost everything we need, with the exception of a few small things. I tell her about the cards that came in the mail. Bella hopes that there is a Target gift card in one or two of them because she has recently discovered her love for all things Target.

After she tells me about cribs that need assembling and about so much pink she wants to puke, we fall into a comfortable silence.

Bella looks back. I only smirk. "I mean, just because she is a girl doesn't mean she has to wear pink all of the time, right?"

"Right," I assure her.

"I said no pink on the invites, and still, it's all we got." She giggles, rambles, and laughs.

I smile, already knowing her reaction. "I like pink. It's gentle."

Bella scoffs. "Gentle?"

"And soft."

Bella sighs, defeated. "And cute."

The bath starts to cool; Bella uses her big toe to turn the hot water back on. We fill the tub until it's spilling over the side. The bubbles are long gone, and our skin is pruned.

I could fall asleep.

"Edward?"

I clear my throat and open my eyes. "Yeah, baby?"

"I'm afraid."

I nod, knowing already that she is. It's a conversation we have had over and over since Bella found out she was pregnant.

Will her depression be passed on to our baby? Does it really even matter?

In three months our girl will be here and our fears will become real life. Fears we've always had, fears that keep Bella from being able to sleep or eat, but fears we cannot allow to run away the happiness of the larger importance: Bella and I are going to have a baby.

A healthy and happy baby girl.

Layla.

"Everything will be okay."

"Promise?" she asks, voice small.

Regardless, everything will be okay. "I promise."

With my hand on her belly, and Bella's head on my chest, I close my eyes again. I drift in and out of sleep while Bella sings along with the radio and the water cools. One by one the candles go out, being lit for too long.

In the dark, and in a tub full of cold water, Layla starts to kick.

Bella holds my hand down on her kicking tummy. "Did you feel that?"

With closed eyes, I nod. "Yeah."

The baby kicks again and again. Proof of life, a life Bella and I made together. Proof of love, and proof that everything will be okay.

No matter what.


	54. Epi 5

**Epilogue part 5**

**Bella**

He said this will be good for us. For her.

Especially her.

I have to trust everything he says, because he's never wrong.

I lean my head on the cold glass, looking as we pass under a covering of trees. Sunlight shadows over my face when a break in leaves allow it to shine through. This drive has always been peaceful. We make it on weekends and holidays. Only this time, we aren't leaving.

Edward was offered a job at the hospital, and it didn't take much to convince me it was time to leave Seattle. He said, "This is what she needs, Bella." And I said, "I know."

Layla's ten now. She's a lot like Alice. It's probably why they're so close. She's also a spitting image of her father. I don't know when, or why, but Edward and I silently agreed that Layla would be our only child. Having more kids wasn't an issue, or something we worried about. Layla is everything we ever wanted.

And feared.

"Tired, baby?" Edward reaches over and touches my arm. Age has done wonderful things for my husband. Sometimes I think back to when we were kids; he has such a soft face … always strong, but he had the most precious skin. Now, he has laugh lines and a few gray hairs he won't admit to. His eyes reflect wisdom and understanding. He's a fantastic provider and caretaker. I'd be lost without him. I always was.

"A little," I say, brushing my fingers over his hand.

He makes a face, looks in the rear view mirror, and calls out his daughter's name, "Layla."

She doesn't answer, and I smile.

He calls her again. She blows a bubblegum bubble.

Edward turns to face her, doing his best to keep his eyes on the road. Our daughter sits in the back with a pair of Hello Kitty sunglasses on her face, earphones in her ear, and multicolored finger nails tapping in the air to whatever song she's listening to.

She notices him looking. "What, Dad?"

"Quit kicking my seat," he says, sitting up straighter, giving our baby dirty looks in the mirror. But he smiles and ruins it. Layla half smiles before setting her earphones back into her ear.

"Your daughter is fucking rude," he mumbles, half smiling like she does.

It didn't take long before we saw the signs in her. Like my own case, Layla showed symptoms as young as age four. By kindergarten Edward was whispering sweet words into her ear, promising school wasn't bad. He insisted she'd make friends. Then he handed her a pair of sunglasses and swore that behind her shades, she was untouchable.

It was probably a bad decision, but we didn't know what else to do.

As she grew older, we realized it wasn't something she was just going to develop out of. It wasn't a social anxiety, or nerves about friends, or the dark. I had passed my worst trait down to my daughter.

We've done everything we could since. Edward and I try to make good decisions for Layla; we make sure she eats right, and we don't allow her to wallow. Sometimes we have to give in and let her sleep, or cry, or scream. But she sees a child psychologist regularly, and she knows that her parents are here for her.

What else can really be done?

We can move to Forks. And we are.

Our family is waiting curbside for us. Layla sits up as soon as she sees Alice, shaking the seat for her dad to let her out.

"Hold on." He laughs, taking off his seatbelt. He opens the driver's side door, and Layla practically jumps out, into the arms of her favorite aunt.

I stay in my seat, smiling at my mom and dad. I wave. They wave back. Jasper smiles, walking around the truck to welcome Edward.

"Baby—" Edward ducks back inside of them moving truck. "Are you coming?"

I nod, slipping my sunglasses off of my face. I shove them in my pocket and say, "Yeah, I'm coming."

We chose a house on the other side of town from our parents. Edward and I haven't lived in Forks in fifteen years, and we like our privacy. Our new home is cozy and typical for our town. We have a few neighbors, but they're down the road. Edward's made sure, once again, that I have plenty of room to be … me.

My dad waits at the back of the moving truck, holding a box with my name on it. I take it, stick my tongue out, and carry it inside. "Bella, quit daydreaming and grab a box."

Inside, Alice and Mom and putting dishes away in the kitchen and cleaning out cupboards. They ask me where I want things; I shrug. After dropping the box off in my new room, I head outside.

What I find is hilarious and awfully familiar.

My ten year old daughter, in her kitty glasses and pink bubblegum bubbles, is standing near the front of a truck holding a box. Her dad, with the sun in his eyes, is standing at the opposite end, trying to find his words.

In the street, on a bike, is a boy.

"What are you looking at, boy?" Edward calls, taking a few steps forward. "Get the fuck away from my daughter, boy."

I laugh.

Layla shrieks, "You're so embarrassing, Dad!" and, "I can't believe you, Dad!"

The boy, the one on the bike looking at my daughter with puppy-sick eyes, sits up straight. He waves at Layla and spins his bike around to join his friends. My baby girl stomps her way toward the porch, giving her daddy nasty looks the entire way there.

I laugh. "That was ironic."

"Shut up, Bella," he says, watching the boy pedal away. "That was bullshit, you know?"

"Why?" I ask, wrapping my arms around him. He hugs me back. "Because it's so well-known?"

Edward looks down at me. "It was nothing like that. We were different." He smiles a crooked smile before kissing my forehead.

"It was exactly like that," I whisper. "Puppy-dog eyes and bad intentions."

Edward lifts me up, setting me inside the back of the moving truck. He joins me, closing the door. "I'll show you bad intentions."

He pushes me down on the bare mattress.

I laugh out loud as Edward finds me in the dark. He crawls between my legs, kissing my neck. Outside the truck I can hear my dad and daughter wondering where we are.

Dad hears me giggle.

"Boy, you better not have my daughter in there!" he yells.

"Okay." Edward sighs. "You're right, it was exactly like that."

I look into the eyes of my husband, soul mate, and best friend, and whisper, "It's true love's way."


	55. Outtake

**A True Love Way Outtake**

**Edward**

"Sit down right there, boy," Chief Swan says to the very suspecting boy. He knows the drill by now. I mean, the boy knows it, not Chief Swan. Although, he's been giving this drill for two generations now.

He invented the drill.

I've always thought he was too soft. "Yeah, boy. Sit the fuck down."

My drill is better.

My father-in-law quickly aims his own Edward version of the "Boy" look at me, but it has zero effect anymore. I am a grown man, complete with my own family and a good rock steady job. We even have a dog, Martindale.

How picture perfect is a name like Martindale? Pretty perfect.

I'm the one giving "Boy" looks now. My baby—my pretty-pretty princess—Layla, brought this boy over, Conner. How picture perfect is a name like Conner? Pretty fucking perfect with this neatly brushed hair and ironed shirt. He fucked up with the hole in his jeans, though. He isn't as slick as he thinks he is. He isn't slick like I was.

Bella leans over the back of the couch, dark curly hair dangling between her dad and me. She tells me she's going to start dinner. She tells me to be nice because this is important to our daughter.

"Remember her? Your only child," Bella whispers smoothly, compassionately. "She has fragile feelings." Bella tickles the back of my neck with her warm fingers. "Delicate, brittle feelings, and if you're mean to her friend, she will make you pay."

I smile a small smile. "How could I forget?"

Daughters grow up so fast; Layla's already fifteen. Fifteen and she is giving her old man a heart attack with this boy, Conner. She told me she needs him, and she used the utmost passion a fifteen-year-old can deliver. Apparently, he's her best friend. Apparently, he keeps her whole. Apparently, they want to go to some kind of school dance together.

Apparently, this boy wants my foot up his ass.

Apparently, my daughter, Layla, has me wrapped around her tiny little multicolored painted fingernail fingers.

"Besides," Bella says lightly, quietly so only I can hear. "He smells like puppies. Leave him alone." Bella presses her lips onto my neck and makes her exit.

She did that on purpose. She always causes me to feel sorry for the boy. Bella says Conner reminds her of me at that age, and Chief Swan agrees, but he says my intentions we're worse.

_If he only knew._

I sit up in my seat, leaning toward the boy. Chief Swan follows my movements, adding a grunt for effect.

"Are you trying to get fresh with my daughter, boy?" I ask, voice thick with anger. Eyes squinted.

Bella wanted sex at fourteen. At fifteen, I was still evading and out maneuvering her sneaky advances. Kids these days, they're not as smart as Bella and I were at their age. Layla's depression isn't as unstable as Bella's, but I wouldn't put it past this little motherfucker to take advantage of her when she's vulnerable. This boy, Conner, isn't anything like I was. I knew how to handle Bella. What the fuck does he know?

"What!" Conner yelps, turning twelve shades past red.

My father-in-law and I each raise an eyebrow at Conner. His loud outburst was comical. Even Bella giggles from inside the kitchen.

I'm silently praying that Layla didn't hear him. If she did, this is all over.

"I … I mean. Umm…" He looks around the living room, dark brown eyes looking for something to focus on.

Of course, he chooses Layla's framed school picture that sits on the table against the stairs. The panic in his face drains to a level six terror. He sits up straight and takes a deep breath. She seems to calm this little bastard, which sends me over the edge.

_She's my baby._

"Don't look at her picture, boy!" I yell, standing up, pointing a finger in his scared little face.

"Boy," a deeper, more calm tone sounds from my side. It's Chief Swan, and that particular "Boy" was meant for me. "You better sit down, boy."

So I do, and Conner smiles.

"Go ahead, boy, ask what you came over here to ask," Chief Swan says, huffing and puffing hot air onto his Police badge; shining it so that it twinkles. "Something about taking my grand baby to a school dance?" He retrieves his gun from his hip and places it on the table.

_Look who's smiling now._

"I was…" Conner stumbles, mumbles, and fumbles. "I was wondering if I can … I was wondering if I can take Layla to the dance on Friday. Please." His eyes never leave the gun.

"No," I say immediately.

Conner sighs and his shoulders slump. Bella calls my name from the kitchen, but it isn't in a way that's saying she needs me. It's more like a "fix that now" sort of way. Chief Swan, he only shakes his head in my direction, calling me a rookie underneath his breath.

His gray and black mustache moves up and down as he speaks. Chief Swan's eyebrows scrunch and unscrunch. He's getting old, but aging well. You had better believe that he is still as scary as he was the very first day I met him. "The last time I let someone I love go to a school dance, boy, it was my daughter, Bella."

_Oh, God._

He looks at me with an evil eye. "And that didn't turn out so well."

Prom. I remember that night well.

"Let's just say the night of that particular school dance turned out to be a very long night for me, boy, and I have no intentions of repeating such a catastrophe. Do you hear me, boy? Are you paying attention to me, boy?" The Chief is slowly beginning to turn purple.

Conner sounds like he is about to cry. "I hear you. I promise I do!"

"Fine, you can take her," I say, leaning close to the boy. "But I tell you what, Conner. I will be watching and if you hurt her in any way I will rip off your…"

"Dad!"

_Shit._

Chief Swan and I share our own panicked looks as my daughter stomps her way down the stairs. Layla positions herself between the boy and us; hands on her hips, purple and pink sunglasses hanging on her nose. Her brown hair is a mess on top of her head, her arms crossed over her chest, and her bare foot is tapping on the carpet waiting for an answer.

"Don't embarrass me, Dad," she says. "You know how important this dance is, Dad," she insists. "I can't believe you, Grandpa"

Chief Swan immediately retreats.

"Mom!" Layla screams. "Dad and Grandpa are being mean to Conner again." Now she's crying, running into the arms of her mother, who today, isn't wearing any glasses.

Before I give up this fight and join my wife and daughter, I tell the boy to come a little closer. "Just a little closer, boy, I have something to tell you."

He's interested, so is the Chief.

"Here's the deal, boy, if you want to take my girl to the dance, you need to do me a favor. Count her smiles and for every smile …"


End file.
